It’s funny. How, someone that’s been so close for so long, has the power to trickle away, like delicate petals, resembling the happiness that her being your best friend brought, floating away down a stream, in such a tiny amount of time. How, someone who had intertwined her pinky around yours hundreds of times, making promises, whether ludicrous, or so serious tears welled in your eyes, had the ability to walk away and seem to forget you with, what seemed like, no emotion, uncertainty, or regret whatsoever. How someone who at one time, would walk away from others, turning to wave to them quickly, before quickening her pace into a jog, as you did the same to embrace each other-just because, could turn her back on you and perform that same act for the piers she used to cry on your shoulder about, gulping in air, attempting to explain the hurt and nicks in her heart that she felt were being made because of them. It makes me wonder, on those days when music can’t cure my boredom or loneliness and I just sit on my bed for hours and contemplate the world, myself, how I got here, why I got here, and am I really so, so bad that everyone I love and miss and need, can leave so easily by choice? I hear phrases all the time-each one related-as though they had rehearsed comforting me seconds before, and each person, whether my mom, dad, cousins, aunts, friends, have the basic idea, but haven’t perfected the line. “It’s ok, you guys are just growing apart.”, “Don’t worry you guys will always be close, this will be fine by next week.” “Call her, talk it out, I know you guys can fix this, you always have.” But, then I think about that too. Have we always fixed this? Or have we just patched it up, over and over, with a thick tarp, stitching tighter and tighter, but the unavoidable and undeniable truth that those thin threads to our consanguinity were ripping one by one, doubling in time, ripping faster and faster with fragments of cotton jumping up in attempt to catch each other and avoid the unfixable tear. But, no matter what, some things just can’t always be saved. I, so easily, can perceive the normality of this situation; diversity in culture, being constructed and built with an imbalance in opinion and thought process, and an obvious inconsistency in various other states. But a comparison that I may use for the situation fits in well, in my opinion, accompanying death. More than 50% of all deaths are unexpected and, in truth, so was this. For nearly my entire life, up to now, the promise of everlasting friendship has been made an uncountable amount of times. And so suddenly, with what seems like no reason it’s become imminent. Though so many intelligent and wise people have stated not to fear death. To admire it. Accept it, and most likely, they are correct abut the matter. To me, though, no matter what, death will always be feared, and pang my heard and soul, hitting hard. As does this. The departure of someone so unique and distinct that, I know I meant so much to, and whom still means so much to me. It pounces into my body like an electric shock. Filling my veins with seclusion and stinging my fingertips. Once I glowed with happiness, spending hours talking, never feeling alone, spending minutes just sitting in silence managing to last without sensing even the slightest glint of awkwardness. Part of that glow is missing now. It once satisfied every part of the inside of me and now, the only part that really mattered, is empty. My hand is empty. Left with only one intention; to wave goodbye. Its’ final rationale being a slight gentle motion meaning nothing to someone who once meant everything. I seem almost desperate saying this, something I am not accustomed to, but I am coerced to say, I miss you. Inevitably. I miss you.
I Miss You
June 30, 2011