In rememberance of that guy I used to hate.

June 25, 2011
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Hey, Grandpa, remember when I used to hide under the couch so you wouldn't find me? When i dreaded coming close to you? When I would open a 500 piece puzzle, and right as you stepped in the room I would scramble to put it up hoping you wouldn't ask to join me? Then, of course, the dog would run up to me and make me the spot light for attention as I sat there, almost wetting my pants. You might of though it was cute then, but I hated you. I truly did.

Well, even if you don't, I do. And I regret every last moment of it. Every single second, I wish I could have lived your life through memories you would tell through magnificent stories. I wish I would have just listened. Listened. Ha! Now that I hear that word again, it means nothing. I was indifferent to you. I didn't care. i just didn't want you near me.
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It all started with that dream. I was hugging the dog, and you came for me. You attacked me, taking me away. I grasped the velvety couch with my young, sticky hands, but you were too strong. I fell apart. No kicking, screaming, or punching could get you away. You took me, and never came back. That is the day I started fearing you. That is the day I lost control of my life.
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Then, I saw you the next day. I dreaded leaving my seat in the back of the car. No one listened. Who would listen to a 5 year old ramblings about their grandpa? Absolutely NO ONE. So there I hid, avoiding the waft of cigarette that came when you passed by. I was childish then, and couldn't see your friendly smile. My prejudice illusion kept me as far away as you as possible.
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Then, I grew older as you did too. I was too big to fit behind the couch anymore(even though the dog always gave away my secret spots by barking as loud as he could anyway. I always wondered why his name was Ninja. He was no ninja to me. "Silent." Ha! More like death wish.". I kept my eyes parked on the floor. I traced my eyes on the tiles as I walked, avoiding all contact with you. Of course, you would tease me by reaching out to me with your hand every once in a while. I hated it. I was done. I didn't need this anymore.
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I got even older. I never noticed that you were older too. I was still as stubborn and indifferent as bbefore. The constant teasing helped none either. I tried to put my irrational fears away, but it is sorta hard to one day hate you and then not the next. No one would believe me. So, I kept on with my fears, avoiding you at all costs necessary. I really didn't like you.
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Then, about 6 months ago, I visited you. We all did. You were in that rusty old wheel chair, zooming around like nothing was wrong. I didn't realize it, but you were dying. I also didn't realize that that would be my last goodbye. That hug I was forced upon giving, It was my only and last hug I received from you. I didn't know it, but I would never be able to say I'm sorry.
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Then, you passed away. In the middle of school, I looked at the clock. You were gone. Forever. I didn't know why, but I missed you. I missed every single moment I COULD HAVE been with you. Most of all, I was mad at myself. I was mad for the way I treated you. I was mad because I actually cared. I was mad at my irrational fears. And I never said "I love you". The dog in all those years caught more of my attention than yours. Really, all I wish is that you could have been that big black dog chasing me and barking at me all that time.

Then, just maybe, I would have loved you before it was too late.





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