Letters to Myself 9

June 7, 2011
By Anonymous

I want it back. So badly. It was mine. But it is something that life can never give back to you. That no one can ever give back to you when you need it the most. It was the last piece left of me that I had. It was the only thing pure and untarnished by my own hands, my dirty palms. Men are disgusting. They make me hurt. And of course I make me hurt too. But he didn’t take it away from me. I gave it away. It was of my own doing. I was the one who made it disappear. I made the choice. Sure, I felt wanted at the time. I felt…pretty. Of worth. Because I was pleasing him, at least. I was sure that that someone was enjoying the fact that I exist. For a moment.

But I paid the price. This is one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt. To lose something that you know would’ve been so easy to keep. No words can describe. I feel disgusted with myself. My body is dirty. My body is worthless now. That last piece is gone, and I am empty.

Before I did it, I had been thinking about it for a very long time. I did it so cutting can be mine again . I knew it would make me get worse, but I didn’t know it would hurt this much. I didn’t know I would regret it so much. I wanted to cut again. I wanted that misery again. But this isn’t the same kind of misery. This is grief. I am grieving the loss of something that was inside of me, and inside of me only.

I threw it away into the f***ing trashcan, where the rest of me is.

I feel so horrible, but I know I have to say it. I am not a virgin.

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