Letters to Myself 7

June 7, 2011
By Anonymous

I really don’t feel like writing this right now…..

I’ll write you the saddest of words, rhymes and phrases. Listening to These Roses by Gin Wigmore. The way I'm feeling right now. So sad. So hopeless. So…angry, in a weird way. In a way I don’t understand. Not that the song is like any of those things, just the sound of it feels like that. I guess the meaning just depends on the person that’s listening to it. Now I'm listening to Sleeping Sickness by City and Colour. It’s the song that I had in my head and felt like the whole time of the first time I was on the unit.

I awoke only to find my lungs empty. And through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing. And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be. And I'm breaking down. I think I'm breaking down. And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me. Such as living with the uncertainty that I’ll never find the words to say, which would completely explain just how I'm breaking down. Someone come and, someone come and save my life. Maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead but now it’s like the night is taking sides. And all the worries that occupy the back of my mind. Could it be this misery will suffice. I've become a simple souvenir of someone’s kill. And like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill. Madness fills my heart and soul, as if the great divide could swallow me whole. Oh, how I'm breaking down.

That’s like practically the whole song. It’s just I feel all of it. I play the music so loud I can feel the strumming of the guitar in my jaw, in my soul.

It’s exactly the way I felt. And feel. The morning didn’t start off well either. I felt so big and ugly and fat. I felt worthless because of it. I felt like I didn’t look good enough for anyone. For myself. Good for nothing. That’s what I was. Or felt like. Whatever. Now it’s Raining in Baltimore by Counting Crows. I love them. You get what you paid for, but I just had no intention of living this way.

I feel like I'm mourning. I don’t know why though. What I'm mourning for. I feel like there’s something in particular that’s bothering me. I don’t know what. Maybe I’ll figure that out in the session with Elyse.

I had a family session today. It didn’t go well. Nicky didn’t like it either. He was disassociating the whole time. Now it’s Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. It’s a love song. A sad one. A break up. I know nothing about that, unfortunately. Because no one could love me. Or like me. I'm too hideous and boring and so many other things for that. I'm too me.

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