Letters to Myself 2

June 7, 2011
By Anonymous

I wonder what things would be like. What they would be like if some things wouldn’t have happened. Like when I was bullied. I don’t think the word “bully” serves a good enough word for something that could cause me so much pain. And so many other people. Some people kill themselves because they were bullied so much. I'm glad I didn’t because my mom tells me I'm actually worth something. And a lot to her. I did cut because of it though. A lot. It got me in the ER. It got me sixteen stitches. And I was hospitalized four times for it. In a psych unit. It made me hate myself. So much I think I deserve to die. So much I've come close to trying it. So much that I can’t take it anymore. All of these years I’ve never allowed myself to get angry at the bullies. I've only allowed myself to get angry with myself. So much that I'm violent inwardly. That I HURT myself. Which is clear to anyone who looks at me because there are cuts all over my face. I did that because I thought I deserved it. I am ANGRY at the bullies. So next time you want to say something hurtful or mean, THINK ABOUT IT. And on the side, GO F*** YOURSELF.

So what if I hadn’t been bullied? Would I have a normal, untroubled life? Would I not feel this pain? Would I not have your f***ing worthless, you should die you deserve it, you fat ass no one cares about you, just f***ing kill yourself that’s what they want going through my head every day? I blame it on myself but I know who is to blame. It’s BULLIES. Its SOCIETY. It’s the MEDIA. Every magazine has “get ready for bathing suit season” “10 ways to get that fat right off” written all over in it. The dieting commercials (and there’s PLENTY of them!) tell us “get on a diet and feel comfortable in your body now!” Heard that one before? It’s just constantly berating me and belittling me and making me feel worthless and just UGHH! Everyone is so OBSESSED with being skinny! So that means that I am what everybody HATES! Hey, doesn’t that feel nice NO IT FEELS LIKE S***!

Sorry…..got a little mad. But I'm glad I did. I've never got mad before. I've only hurt myself. I've only hated myself. Oh, wait, BUT DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTEDD WITH THE BULLIES! OH MY GOD they’re just AWFUL. They always make me want to die! Hey, fat b****! Hey, fat b****! Screaming it out, the entire spill out laughing. The thing I'm most ashamed of, myself, on display. Or in sixth grade, when I was trying to make friends, I sat with a group, and a girl told me “You can’t hang out with us because we think you’re fat.” Yep, I still remember that, Gaby! Still remember that…. Didn’t want to name any names, but I couldn’t help myself, silly me!

Well, got that out….

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