Letters to Myself

June 7, 2011

“Ow, I cut myself! Ooh I'm so bad!” Jose choked out between bouts of laughter. Jhonny chuckled with him.

“Stop it, guys! Don’t make fun of something that’s really a serious issue.” I really didn’t know anything about it. I didn’t understand it. Did it feel good, or what? Why would anyone do something so scary? All I knew was that it wasn’t a joke, that there were real people out there who—

“Oh, hey, Nati. Whatcha doing? Is that internet?” Nicky snapped me out of my reverie as he licked his lollipop. That place is so far away, but I can be there in seconds, reliving it. Thinking how less than a year ago, I thought something like that was….something I could never do. I looked at my scar covered forearm. At least they’re not fresh, all months old. I can’t believe he knows. It must be scary.

“Nope. Still no internet. I'm writing so don’t bother me.”I'm such a bad sister. I stared at the words on the computer screen. The ones your reading right now. The ones that are worthless. The ones that don’t matter. Because I don’t matter.

“But look, it’s so cool. The more you suck it, the more color pops out. And can you help me with my homework?” He stuck his lollipop in my face to show me.

“Yeah.” Fourth grade work is easy. Better than my eighth grade work. But things are just so hard these days. On task can become a mountain to climb in seconds. But I know it’s all in my head. All in my head.

I cherish his innocence. He’s so pure. Everything about him. When he’s annoying, when he’s understanding, when he’s naïve, and when he’s just my little dork.

I looked down. My legs are hideous. Everything is hideous. All of me. Every cell of my body is worthless s***. I thought about the scars and the stitches laying quietly beneath my pants. They should be. Because I'm damaged. Inside and out. I deserve it. I just never thought I’d end up this way.


I opened my closet doors, revealing long-sleeves, jackets, arm warmers. Everywhere. Anything to cover up what I have to hide from the world. Not only for my sake, but for anyone else’s. They don’t deserve to see something so hideous. That’s why I wish I could cover all of me. So no one has the misfortune of laying eyes on my worthless body.

Why do I hate myself? You know why. That can’t be the reason. I'm just weak. It makes sense. Hey, FAT b****! Whoa, move away, the big girl’s coming! FAT ASS! Well, at least I don’t weight as much as an elephant. All of those hurt. I just never thought they did. I never let myself think that they killed me inside. I was trying to be strong when I was weak. I was trying to not feel something that hurt. Nice try. It got you in the end.


Eira. I love her. She means so much to me and I don’t know why. Maybe because she’s just Eira, or because I relate to her so much. Weird because she’s so beautiful, and I'm so hideous. (Gee, and I'm the one who doesn’t care about looks. I don’t think it counts for me, though.) I genuinely think she’s gorgeous. Inside and out. Inside because I really know her (or at least I hope I do). And outside because I just know it, that if she was just some random person walking down the street to me I’d think so. I was texting her yesterday. She’s so special. She doesn’t deserve to hurt. Especially the way she does. I hope someday she’ll see what everyone else sees.

Elyse thought I was attracted to her. I'm not. I think of her like….a sister but not quite that. Just something that makes us really truly connected. I feel like it’s a one way connection, though. That doesn’t really bother me, though because she doesn’t have a reason to be connected to me. Why should she?

I'm a bit nervous about the day were going to spend together. I have social anxiety because I'm so insecure. And I think I'm just an awkward person. I told her. She said, “Well there won’t be that many people there, and besides, you’ll be with me.” It felt good to hear that, but it didn’t calm my anxieties. That’s because she misinterpreted it. I was nervous about being with her. Not because there’s anything wrong with her, but because I'm just so…not right for people (?) A million thoughts come into my head when I think of that day: What will we talk about? What will we do? Will it be awkward? Will she not like me anymore? Blah blah blah….

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