My Saving Grace

May 21, 2011
By , Ottawa, IL
It happened on a day like any other, and by that i mean hiding behind a cute smile. A day like any other, laughing with my friends, hollow and fake of course.
I was left alone to think and I thought myself a fool. Childish. Reckless. Stupid. Annoying. Weird. A freak.
I walked back to my gaggle of wonderful friends, not wanting to think another thought of my own. One by one, they slowly left. But one waited.
I was crouched on the rail, arms wrapping around my knees. I bit my arm, trying to hold back crystal tears I felt clogging my eyelids, thinking: NO, No, No, he doesn't need this, not now.
He was talking, but I was hardly there, concentrating on not breaking. But he noticed.
"Skye, Is something wrong?" he said. I didn't answer, afraid my voice would be weak and shaky, but an uncontrolled whimper escaped. He looked into my eyes, concern inside the deep irises. Seeing someone with such feeling in their eyes hurt. The tears spilled over gracefully as I thought: No, you f***ing idiot, you can't cry. You can't. You can't. You can't... over and over.
I shut off my mind and realized there were soft words soaking through...
"It's ok..." was all I heard, and I was torn.
I started shaking, every muscle seizing up. I could hear nothing but my own mind speaking s*** I didn't understand. I couldn't see, and I realized my eyes were fluttering, looking for something out of nothing, blurring everything even more than the tears. I had to say it, the only three words. I could hear my mind speak ' Just say them, and stop whimpering like a fool.'
"I'm so sorry," I had said."I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" I can't remember if I continued saying it... I just can't remember.
'Take a deep breath.' I thought, 'enough to seem normal' I breathed slow, shaky breaths. After what seemed like a lifetime, I was able to function like myself again.
"I'm so sorry," I sad again, voice still shaking.
"Don't be" He was smiling, not the kind therapists, or parents, or teachers do. No, it was real, the smile worth a million words. A smile that had never been directed to me.
I stayed quiet, staring, trying to stop shaking.
A few minutes of silence passed with his arm around me, my head burrowed into his warm chest, my hand clawing at his tear-stained shirt. From the corner of my eye, I saw a bird fly. I thought.
"I wish I could fly..."
"Yes you could fly away from all of this, be free." He finished the sentence that I didn't have the guts to. "How would you fly?"
It hit my like a brick, like it always has: "I can't fly," I said, "I'll never be able to." I burrowed my face back into his chest letting his sent envelope me.
"Yes you can, and you will." I soaked in the words I heard rumbling through his chest then peeked back up and thought some more. I was brought back to the other question: How would I fly?...
" I would be a bird..." I wasn't looking at him. I was looking past, looking at the only little, puffy cloud that dared make the journey.
"What kind of bird?" I knew that one immediately, being that I thought about it all the time.
"A hawk. A big, beautiful, strong hawk. One with dark wings, wings that held her spirit high above the troubled Earth." 'Yeah,' I thought,'That's who I want to be... No, that's who I am...
"Yeah, Skye, fly away from all this," they repeated, kind of in an unattached voice, "You can fly away."
"I will," I thought of the desires I've always had, all my dreams. "Yeah, I will. I'll fly away, see the world. Swim every river, hike every trail, walk every mile..." At that moment I saw the fork i the road I'd always feared. I burrowed again and let a few more tears escape. I wasn't afraid anymore, I was going to let my life go where life was most fulfilling for me. I let the rest of the tears dry and pulled away from him and looked into his eyes again. He was still smiling that concerned smile.
"Fly away," they said.
And for once in a long time I smiled too... a real one.

I haven't decided which path in the road I'm going to take and I probably never will, unless on a whim. I can't see the future and I don't want to, I just want to live everyday knowing WHO I am.
Thank you, my dear friend. I will never forget how you make me smile. --> :)

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