Born This Way

May 18, 2011
By , Alta Loma, CA
The exact reason I like you is the same reason why you don’t like me. Why you can’t like me. The thing is, I’ve always liked you. From the first time we sat together at that table and were making nervous small talk, I said to myself “one day, you’ll be mine”. And now I know that is not the case. Is it horrible of me to wish I could change you when I have vowed to never attempt to change myself? I’m sorry.
I think it’s safe to say you are only the second boy I have ever wanted. only the second boy I’ve wanted to spend my nights with, to take naps with, to go shopping with, to go to the movies, the beach, to go to concerts and baseball games with. I mean sure there were crushes and “oh damn, check him out” moments. But you just fit me. On the list I made a while ago of dream traits for the perfect guy, you fit 22/25 of them. That’s 88 %! And the three which you are lacking all have to do with music taste. Which I’m sure, I could fix. And you told me no. But you had to. Because as unnatural and unfair as it is for me to deny these feelings for you, it is just as wrong for me to expect you to do against yours.
So I went for it anyways. Although I was not in a state of mind that was totally mine, I still went for it. I just couldn’t leave myself wondering. I couldn’t spend all my life down at heel, staring out of the window, looking down at the sun. And of course you told me no, that you can’t do this. I should have seen it coming from a million miles away. But it didn’t. It came straight out of left field. I’ve never tasted rejection like this before. And I am so sorry for forcing you to do that to me.
And the next time I saw you at work, you were so cool about everything. You smiled at me when I walked in. You made a not awkward inside joke between us and asked me if I could get you something. I should have seen this coming. I should have seen this all coming, but the way you handled all these things just exemplified why I wanted you so badly in the first place.

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