Psychosis

May 4, 2011
By , Springfield, PA
My psychosis changed my life forever, it came with a stigma and it came with an outlook that I never wanted to have. People hear that word and they think 'psycho' and I'm not a psycho not in the least. Unfortunately during my lengthened periods of psychosis I believed that I was psycho. I can't begin to tell you the heartache, the fear, the sheer body paralyzing terror. Mine was so so real and I'll never forget it. Hopefully by writing this I'll better be able to allow people to understand. Even with just a little insight I just want to tell someone my story and get it out into the open once and for all.


I close my eyes tight, as tight as possible, I feel my eyelids straining against each other holding tight. The laughter won't stop, the cackling, it's mean and hurtful and it just won't end. I know they know that I know they're there. I feel them surround me as I lay in my bed, it's three in the morning and I have yet to sleep at all. It's near impossible when you have seven or eight forms standing over you breathing heavily and laughing at you. Their arms pass over my body, not touching but still there. They're teasing me, making me clench my body tighter in my arms, fetal position my go to. The blankets are pulled over my head, I may be seventeen but I still choose to believe my blanket is an armor. I'm getting tired, being scared has weakened me so much as it does every night. They lean over my bed getting their faceless faces closer to me, as close as possible with out actually touching me. Tears are pouring out of my eyes, trailing down my cheeks and on to the bedspread. “I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it” I repeatedly tell myself speaking openly into the night air. My arms are stiff and sore but I use them to pull the covers back, my eyes still shut with tears pouring out. I can feel them I can just feel them everywhere and it hurts so much to know they're there. I try to slow my breathing and open my eyes, it's dark so dark. When my eyes are fully opened it's not a second later that I close them and let out a huge sob. They're everywhere, in my room, on the ceiling, on my couch, on my walls, I can see their faces and there's nothing on them but blackness. It's like staring into nothing but knowing what ever is in there is not nice. Their hands reach towards me and I can't move anymore I just can't get away from them. How do you protect yourself from something you can't touch. I try to quiet my sobs and I quickly hide back under the blanket, but I can still feel them, still hear them. There's nothing I can do and I'm so alone and upset and the only thing I can do is cry myself to sleep and hope that they leave by morning.


The next time I see them it's quick glances out of the corner of my eye. They hide behind trees and signs and lockers and corners. They follow me everywhere I go but they don't show themselves to anyone else. They do this to mess with me. They know how it upsets me. I keep checking around me, trying to see where they'll be next. As I sit in the library I can see them across the room darting in and out of the shelves. How does no one else see them? How does no one notice? What's going on? I take the bus and end up walking to the convenience store to grab a soda. As I walk back though I know that they are following me, and this time they want me. They want to grab me, snatch me up. But I can't let them, I run all the way home, slam the door shut and fall to the floor. I'm shaking and my soda bottle is on the floor rolling away from me. I hear the door being banged on, and I can't do anything but sob and hold myself tight hoping they go away. The phone rings, and I hear it, I'm scared to get off from the floor and leave the door unprotected. I reach for the phone though and in what I hope is an even voice I answer. It's my mom and she's calling to say she'll be home soon. As she's talking I keep looking at the door and I can see it shaking off it's hinges. They're getting closer to me. I can't focus on the conversation with my mom and finally she asks me what's wrong. The only thing I can do is let out a quick sob and whisper “they're following me, they're here”. It's taking her a while to understand, who's there, someone followed you? Before long she realizes what's happening and says she'll be home soon but she's in traffic. I just hang up the phone and crawl to the couch, the banging still going on. I pull my knees up to my chest and lay my head down on them. I'm crying so hard and all I can hear is myself going “they're coming to get me, they're coming to get me”. I don't hear the door open and I don't see my little sister come in. All of the sudden there's arms around me and someone shushing. I can't help it and I just cry louder that they're coming to get me. I don't want to imagine what that was like for my sister. What I'm assuming was maybe twenty minutes my mothers best friend comes through the door and says that she'll wait with me until my mother comes home. I don't pay her any attention at all. I'm lost in my world where the door is banging and they are right outside. I don't even try to make sense of how my sister and moms friend got in the house without being taken. I can't do anything buy rock myself and cry. Another twenty or thirty minutes pass by and my mother arrives home. She takes one look at me and picks up the phone to call someone, either my dad or my therapist or psychiatrist. I don't even care at the moment and over their talking you can hear me babble on about them coming to get me and I make no sense. But I don't care I just need someone to help me get rid of them, make them go away and get away from me. Somehow they pop two benadryls into my mouth to calm me down. It takes a while but slowly I stop shaking and rocking and slowly I stop talking and mumbling. But I don't stop watching, the windows and the door and everyone around me. I can't sit still anymore and I have to get up and walk around, still checking the windows. They could still be out there. My head is clearing up though and I start to relax but not much. They could still be out there.





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