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"Growing Up"

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I know what it feels like to have trust and respect snatched away from you; it’s safe to say in the blank of an eye. Making your future much more challenging than what it’s already going to be. One word, one look or one touch can ruin something that you’ve worked so hard for, without even knowing that it will come to past (future).

Do you know what it feels like to have a nightmare, a nightmare that won’t go away? I’m talking about a nightmare so bad that you dread going to sleep, knowing that this nightmare is more real than you think.

Well I have!!!

The big bad wolf decided to approach me at the age of seven, never thinking about the consequences he decided to strike. Stripping me of my pure foundation, ripping away my innocent frame, caused the worse kind of pain. I’m talking about the kind of pain that goes on and on, medication couldn’t help take it away even if I wanted it too.

Throughout the years of my own experience of sexual abuse, I began to feel guilty and definitely out of place. Forced to face reality but obligated to cover the truth, you feel that it’s in your best interest to imagine that it never happened. You start to believe that the images you can’t seem to get rid of or the voice that makes you sick is all in your head. Using my imagination to pull me away from the truth was a complete waste of time, seeing how it would haunt me regardless.

Being alone was a scary thing; the silence had a way of taking its toll on me, bringing me reality back. When you’re by yourself you begin to think about all the facts and over turn all the details, often opening old wounds and asking the question why me? (This can never really be answered by oneself) .

Broken emotionally, shattered mentally I found myself slipping into a state of depression and something I like to call “low self-worth”. With no trust or hope I turned to what my grandmother always taught me I could go to when I felt like giving up, God! My religion kept me sane later on down the line, grasping the concept of my experience I came to peace with my situation. Not wanting to play the victim role anymore I manipulated the sexual abuse into “motivation” so to speak.

Moving on is thee hardest step! Some would say it’s close to impossible to actually let go. Being in my religion I had to forgive (which wasn’t at all an easy task) I had to move forward with life. The world doesn’t slow down for anyone and I sure wasn’t an exception to that “policy”.

As I look back on such events, I begin to image what my life could have been like if they hadn’t taken place. Maybe my guard wouldn’t be up all the time or I wouldn’t have crazy suspicions with every face I pass. But how could you blame me? Even still today a few things may spark up old emotions bringing me back to the house, where my childhood as I knew it came to an end. Life is about lessons, so I guess you live and you learn.





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