There's that cliche saying that goes, "everyone makes mistakes" or "nobody's perfect". Part of me believes this is true. But for some reason, the other half of me has no belief in these sayings. This is because I feel that I have let myself, too many times, sink down into a slight state of depression, holding onto something so little and hoping someone to catch me. I agree that people will eventually learn from their mistakes. I know this for a fact, because I have learned from my mistakes. But this is not the dilemma... Why can't you forgive me? What is making you hold onto this grudge? I have so many regrets. I wish I could just step back and do them over. Maybe then, just maybe, things would be different between you and me. You would probably trust me more. We would not be fighting as often. This scared and anxiety feelings I have would disappear.. but you and I both know that is very unlikely. I consider myself switzerland. I am neutral. Part of me wants to take back all of those mistakes, to forget those regrets. However, the other part of me is confident. Without these regrets, I would not be as strong as I am today.. This is who I have become. My past, my regrets, my decisions... this is what makes me, well, me. I am stuck. Is this who I want to be? Time goes on while I think. I wish I could be better. I confide in the one person who I trust the most. They tell me that if I give love, peace, and happiness; then I shall be given those things back to me as a gift. It seems as if I have been giving and giving.. but getting nothing in return. All I want is that one person to give me what I'm looking for. For them to look me in the eye and say they love me. To say they are proud of who I am. To admire me. I have so many regrets. I want to change. It is not that easy. I work myself to the bone, just to get a fraction of a bit closer to my goals in life. Some days, I feel as if I'm getting no where. My mother tells me that this is the journey of life. Yes, it is difficult. But this is what life is about. Making experiences, making the wrong decisions, making regrets, learning from them, learning who you are, and changing yourself to become a better individual. I strive everyday to become a better person. Some days I fail. Some days I succeed. No matter how hard it gets, I will not give up. I have regrets. I am merely just a human. I guess the only thing I can really do is to hold my head up high, take the regrets like a bad medicine, and keep on walking forward. It hurts to look back, which is precisely why I am motivated to move forward. We all have those days where we cannot handle the truth. For me, those days are more than other people's. But I get by. This is who I am. This is who I have become.
April 13, 2011