Can you imagine going through life not knowing who he is or what it’s like not to have him beside you, support you and encourage you. Growing up without a father has been hard and challenging. I am proud of myself facing the challenges without him because I can look back and say to myself “I did that all on my own!” It’s hard for me to tell people where and why he’s in the place that he’s at. Knowing where he’s at makes me wonder why? Why did he do what he did to be there? Why abandon your daughter? Does he not love me? Why? Throughout the years people tell me more and more about what had happened with him and my mom and of what he did. He made poor choices and wasn’t thinking of how this would affect not just the people around him but himself as well. I would always cry myself to sleep wondering why he is putting me through so much pain. Then one day someone told me so shocking and hurtful I felt like I had no reason to live. That day I also realized that what he did and the choices he made had nothing to do with me. I didn’t have the blame. Now that I am older, even to this day I still have many questions. And now it’s getting closer and closer where my dad is going to be back in my life. When I was a little girl I would always tell myself and the people around me “I’m going to go live with my daddy!” Now a part of me doesn’t even want anything to do with him and the other part of me wants to give him another chance. But I learned to follow my heart and my heart tells me to move on with my life and go from there. If my dada wants to be a part of my life I’m not going to stop him but if he chooses not to then I’m still going to keep moving forward.
April 4, 2011