When I hopped into the car on January 8th, I never in a million years expected to have my life changed so drastically. All I wanted was to see a close friend and have some fun. I was turning onto the highway and made a careless mistake by never double checking that I was safe to make my turn. I was in an SUV and hit a small car that was going fifty-five mph. If you take the speed and size of the vehicles into consideration, it was no fender bender. The scene was a mess. So many people, the whole road was closed, everyone asking questions. It was such an overwhelming situation. Then you add the factor that the passenger of the vehicle I hit wasn’t responsive. Chances are, you’ve never experienced something like this before. So stop for just a second. Think. Think of the pain you would feel if you were responsible for hitting another car and injuring someone. Pain. Sadness. Anguish. Guilt.

After I left the scene, I received no news on the status of the passenger. I figured no news was good news. But I always had a weird intuition that something was not right. I pushed away that fear and continued to try and move on from the events that occurred. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to try.

I feel like I was in the beginning stages of moving on. My flashbacks and nightmares were more sporadic, I was becoming social again, and my awful thoughts had died down some. My life was turning around as I had hoped.

February 10th, one month and two days after the accident, I spiraled down again. I had pageant practice that day, so I wasn’t picked up until five. I opened the car door and knew something was wrong. My mom had been crying and it was very obvious. I asked her what was going on. All she said was, “He passed away yesterday afternoon, I’m so sorry baby.” It wasn’t even necessary to ask who she was talking about. Of the hundreds of “he“‘s it could have been, I just knew.I didn’t say a word. I was in complete shock. At that moment, I shed the first of thousands of tears.

I skipped school, ignored anyone who attempted to find out what was going on, and became very hostile towards the world. I had felt pain, sadness, and anger all before, but never to the level of severity as this. I was at an all-time low and had no idea how to deal with it. The way I’m telling my story makes it seem like all this occurred years ago and I’m just thinking of everything I went through. No. I’m still fighting the depression. I’m still fighting my urges to cause self-harm. And I’m still searching to find a way out of all of this.

I don’t want to feel the way I do any longer. I am so tired of crying every day, sometimes with the cause unknown. Others ask how I am constantly. What I really want to do is just break down. I want to sit down with someone and just talk. I want to let every little thing out. That would never happen in reality sadly. So instead, I lie. I smile and say I’m good. No one catches on.

But how? How can you not realize that I am dying literally and figuratively? Every little thing has changed about me. From my appearance to my personality to my grades. The accident I caused is killing me. I want to get over it. I want to feel okay.

I never meant to hurt anyone. I didn’t want my parents to have to deal with an attorney and finding a new insurance company. I certainly never meant to bring all this stress upon myself, my family, or anyone else for that matter.

All of that sucks, yes. The attorney, insurance company, stress it’s put on everyone, buying a new car. It’s all awful. To be completely honest though, I don’t even care about any of that anymore. The one and only thing that is currently eating me alive is that a man sat in the hospital completely lifeless for over a month. Now, the only thing that remains of him is a spot in a cemetery with hundreds of other people buried in the cold Earth.

My family, friends, and people that saw or heard about the accident will eventually forget about it. They will forget the fact that this man was killed in an accident that I was at fault for. I on the other hand will never forget. No matter what I do. This guilt is going to stick with me for the rest of my life. Every day until my last, I will regret making that turn. In my head, I know it wasn’t entirely my fault. My heart however says differently.

Stephen, I am so incredibly sorry that your life was forced to be sacrificed on behalf of my stupidity. I wish I had the ability to turn back time even for just a moment. I never spoke a single word to you, but I will always be connected to you. I know that you were an amazing man, Stephen. I despise myself for the fact that your life was ended at such a young age. I’m sure there were many things that you still wanted to do in life. I took all of those opportunities away from you. I have never been so sorry for anything in my life. I am glad your suffering is over. I hope you rest in peace, Stephen.