That Feeling

March 14, 2011
By , Lakeland, FL
Bro I tried but see you reminded me of my dad, he was never satisfied
At 13 what father would tell you that he was a sexual man, a man that cheated on your mother because she didn’t satisfy him enough?

Huh… tell me! ? ! ? Yeah that’s exactly what I thought
The thing that kills me is the fact that he slept with his own cousin
There was so much crap that he spoke about his parents
I don’t care if it was true or not, at least they were both there right? But you didn’t look at it that way

You weren’t a b******; you spoke like one though…
How could you be so shallow?
Going back and forth to screw your own cousin
You filthy piece of waste, how could you?

I wish you could take a step in my shoes and see how bad you left your own family broken…
You said this to me; “Mama you can chain me up to a car and drag me and I’d still love you”

“Hay Papi por favor, it’s not like that… I want to damage you as bad as you hurt mami and Klarissa and Kharina and Janeese and EJ and I want rip your heart out and slice it into insignificant pieces”

See but then again I still love you
You’re my dad but I look at you as nothing more
You messed everything up, you failed us and you didn’t even try to get us back
Instead you still kept on going back and forth to Puerto Rico to screw that piece of sh**

Ahh! I wish you were here to hear these words being spoken
You old man, and see I gave you my helping hand
You took advantage

That’s where I then came in
I started popping pills to ease my mind
A few months came around and Tio Pico died
The year after I tried to commit suicide more than twice

But see I lied to mami because I didn’t want to worry her
She had already been through enough with you
She took a lot of your trash
You know in the bible it says to honor your mother and father
But I don’t know what I’d consider you to be to me

I wish our relationship would have never ended the way it did
But you still don’t care so I choose not to respect you
When I told you; “Papi why won’t you move closer to us?”
You said Lakeland wasn’t for you…
Shoot, I moved from Ohio to Lakeland with all risks and I did it to save myself from going back to how I used to be
But you can never get anything through your thick head so I refuse to let you see

I wish things never happened the way they did
Every time I see you you’re still the same
Can I ask you a question Papi; “When will you ever change?”
You’re such a hypocrite…

The day at Anthony’s funeral, that’s another one that I lost!
You came to pay your respects to him; you then tried to pay your respects to Abuelo
He was dry toward you, from what I heard from others and then from what I heard coming from you and you told me; “Mama why doesn’t he just put things aside? I just came to say hi and he was just so dry”

I then felt sadness and pity for you at that very moment but then I picked myself up and replied;
“Papi what if a guy did that to me? , you’d be worse”
“I’ll kill em’” that’s what you said, now lets go back just a few steps,
At the funeral I told you; “Papi talk to Titi, but you were blinding yourself and you didn’t want to see that your own sister was helping us when at the same time she was in need
You were always cruel to her and me as your daughter well; I just wanted the family to feel at peace
I then asked you the next day; “You didn’t talk to her, you liar”
And what did you reply; “Some things just never change”
Just put things aside… Isn’t that what you said about Abuelo?
Why can’t he put the past aside?
Well there goes your answer… because you still haven’t put your past aside so how can you expect someone to change with you when you haven’t changed for yourself or toward anyone else? ”
Oh yeah but wait, I’m only 16 I don’t know anything yet, I don’t understand anything in your eyes but yet you always show off what you have but those things were all worth a price, what was supposed to be treasure to you was us but apparently we’re not worth anything to you
You have nothing without us in your life!
Have you ever stared at yourself and asked yourself in the mirror; “Who am I? ”
I bet not, and see I don’t know why I haven’t given up on you
Sometimes I tell myself the hell with you but then I go back and I think to myself what if I lost you, but like Mami always says; “ Yerba mala nunca muere”
And so I think that in my case that might be true because the ones that I have lost so far were always there, compared to you
But then again you don’t care and I don’t even know why I waste my hands or breath on you
You and that guy, you were somewhat alike
You males only thought about yourselves
How selfish can you guys be? And it’s sad but true to say that as life goes on I will always remember that feeling…

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