Don’t you love when a memory comes out of nowhere and you’re suddenly reminded of past feelings and thoughts? One memory of holding hands with the ocean eyed boy and I’m suddenly in the middle of my floor with letters strewn everywhere. Some make me laugh while others bring tears to my eyes. Memories I thought I had pushed far into the depths of my mind suddenly surface and I try to think of something else. Unfortunately our minds are not like radios and I cannot push a button and be transported somewhere else. So instead I blow the dust off a little blue box and look inside. It’s there like I knew it would be. A small charm on a frayed ribbon that used to leave a tan line on my wrist from wearing it so much lies inside. Some green paint is still on it, a memory from camping at the ocean during the summer. I was afraid you’d be mad at me for ruining it so soon after you gave it to me, but you just smiled and slowly rubbed your finger over it. I used to get an indent on my wrist from wearing it while I was sleeping, and you couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t take it off. Small things like that, that mean so much when they’re gone. These memories haunt me and I wish I could make them disappear like that smile you used to wear so often. It was just for me, and vanished as soon as I told you we were over. Now another one replaces it, but it will never be the same. Nothing is ever the same from one moment to the next. We are changing as the world around us changes. These memories I wish could stay hidden in the back of my mind are what makes me who I am. I can wish them away all I want, but they’re what keep my feet on the earth. Without them, I’m someone else.
March 6, 2011