Want To Hear A Secret?

March 9, 2011
My name is Aidan Marie and I’d like to tell you a secret… love sucks…

Love is not bliss. Love is painful; love is hard; love is scary; love is complicated; and love is never a fairy tale.

People always tell you that once you meet that someone special you will be happier than ever. The problem is, you may not be special to them. Hell, maybe they don’t even notice you; you’re just another person that they happen to see everyday, but that doesn’t mean you mean anything to them.
What does it matter anyway? You know that in the end there are too many reasons you can’t be together, so why bother letting your heart grow even more fragile with every day that you can’t be in love?

Have you ever been in love? I’m sure you’re shaking your head right now. You’d love to deny it, wouldn’t you? Because it sucks when it doesn’t work out, and you’d never want to admit that you cry yourself to sleep at night waiting for him to put a band aid on your heart. You say you hate him, because you don’t want anybody to know that you’ve fallen hard enough to break every emotion in your body.

So, you’re not in love. You hate him… don’t you?

So you see him everyday. And everyday he smiles at you and says, “Hey, how are you? By the way, you look very pretty today, as usual.”
It makes you weak when you hear him tell you you’re pretty. You hesitate, but you know you have to respond.
I’m sure in your mind you want to blurt out…
“How am I? I’m miserable! I hate this. I hate the way you pop into my mind when I should be thinking of him. I hate the way I feel weak when you smile at me. I hate the way my heart beats faster when you walk by. I hate that no matter how bad my day is going, you always seem to make me laugh without even trying. I hate that when you’re around, she is nothing.”

But instead you put on your best fake smile and say, “I’m good. And yourself?”
He responds with the generic, “good, thanks,” and you part ways to get on with your day.

That’s how every morning goes for me. Those words run through my mind constantly, and I hope one day I will have the guts to say them to someone other than my dog.

When people ask me if I’m in love, I shake my head and laugh a little. Not me. I can’t be in love. I will never admit that I cry myself to sleep at night waiting for him to put a band aid on my heart. I say I hate him, because I don’t want anybody to know that I’ve fallen hard enough to break every emotion in my body.

So… I’m not in love. I hate him… don’t I?

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