I’ve tried writing stories before but, every time I get inspiration it goes out the door and the only time I feel I can do something is when I’m with her but the time spent with her isn’t what I wish it could be. You see, it’s real easy for me to hide my pain, to keep my face smiling instead of hiding out of shame. The only thing I have to do is paint on a simple smile, maybe choke up a little laugh, and everything seems to be ohkay… To everyone else. But me, I know what’s really happening. While on the outside I’m smiling and laughing in everyone’s face, inside I’m dying and crying, telling myself life’s just a waste. But you see, no one can understand the pain I hide or the tears I shed. No one can understand all the words behind my silence. Silence is golden right? You see, silence covers up all the hurt and the pain and the anger I feel. And the silence… Well, the silence always covers up the violence. I keep my past tucked away in the depths of my heart never to be spoken of again, thinking that if I just ignore it and bottle it all up one day things will all get better and my past will be forgotten. But see now, even she can’t realize all the pain I hide or the feelings I encounter on a daily basis. She’s my closest friend and understands me like no other but knowing she’ll never understand completely feels like such a crisis… I try to explain but when I talk to her I feel like I can’t find the right words. And when I do know what to say I feel like she doesn’t care. She tells me she does and I trust her word, but what can she give me if I want to give her the world? There’s a difference in how she talks to me face to face and from behind the computer screen, but I don’t think she knows that that’s how it seems. I love her as more than just my best friend, but at the end of the day I can’t continue to pretend… She’s perfect. Best friend or girlfriend, I’d still treat her the same. My feelings are going crazy but you can’t say I’m to blame, it’s all her, and whatever she’s doing. Whether she knows it or not I have no clue, but there’s something she’s doing that makes me feel so… Brand new.
February 18, 2011