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To the Father I Never Knew
January 14, 2011
Do you know how it feels to grow up not having a father in my life? I just wanted to tell you how I feel about having you as a dad. So far, you haven’t been with me for the past 15 years and the way I think of it, you never cared about me because you don’t even know I exist. If you would have cared at least a little bit about my mom ,you would have met me, but you decided to leave with another woman. You said you loved my mother and she believed you because she trusted you and loved you, but you just failed in the point of being honest.
I think of you as the biggest loser for not taking a honest person like my mom seriously. . Now I know why my grandma never liked the idea of you being my moms boyfriend behind her back because she had a bad feeling that you were a player.
Every time my grandma would see you with my mom, she would hit my mom in a way no one could imagine . My mom suffered just because of your lies and you knew she loved you more than you imagined,but you played her like a game .You preferred being a player by telling her you loved her and taking advantage of a innocent teenage girl . When my mom told you how old she was, you knew she was under age, but you ignored it and still played your dirty game. It came to the point when my mom got pregnant . She found out and kept the secret to herself . She didn’t want my grandma to know because if they found out, they weren’t going to forgive her.
Every morning, my mom would get up early in the morning to get breakfast ready for her 3 brother and 7 cousins .After they were done eating my grandma would give her hard chores to do like go to the river,wash clothes by hand ,make lunch,dinner, and at night go out to look for firewood. My grandma would also tell her to sell different types of food on the trains and buses and in the parks with the rest of her brothers. Knowing that she got pregnant, working was a risk. Every time she went to the park, some other women in the park who were selling the same products, would want to fight with her for no reason.
One morning, my mom got seriously desperate. That she went to work early to look for you, Dad. She wanted to tell you that she had gotten pregnant.She couldn’t keep the secret to herself anymore. She found you and realized what type of guy you were. My mom was surprised to find you with another woman. She started crying, suffocating.
That moment, she remembers thatt you had told her, “We are always going to be like a knot that can’t be released unless we choose to.”She meant that no one will separate them because there love was so deep.
You saw her leaving, angry with tears in her light brown eyes. You ran after her and tried to explain but my mom wouldn’t listen. My mom told me how that conversation went and “just seeing her disappointment made my heart brake apart”
After you kept insisting she asked, sniffling, “What do you want? “
You answered, “Can I explain to you what you just saw?”
She replied,”Why didn't you tell me you had another woman? Why weren't you honest enough to tell me the truth?”
You replied, ashamed, “It’s not what you think. What you saw it’s just a game.I'm just playing with her.”
Then, my mom replied, yelling angrily, "Do you think I'm stupid?! It means that I was also a game to you! I can see,clear like the water, that she is more than a game to you.Once and for all, be a man and admit what you were doing “.
You were a coward. You didn't admit anything and my mom just walked away not knowing what the consequences were going to be.
You know what, Dad? The day she went to look for you she had enormous news to tell you: that she was pregnant with me! She even hid the secret from the rest of the family. My point is that you had the chance for her to tell you the news but you ruined it. Months passed by and my mom was just days away from having me . The best day of her life came when, I was born on November 26,1995. Everyone was really surprised when they saw me. They couldn't believe she kept such a secret to herself. Even though she had me, they were mad at my mom for not saying anything. My great grandma took care of me in El Salvador like a golden treasure that no one can take away. I loved her so much. She was like a second mom to me since she took care of me from the time I was born till the time my mom decided to come to LA.
Before my mom decide to come to LA you went to look for her to tell her all this b***s*** that you were going to change. My mom believed you and got pregnant again. Days went by and my mom found out the worst thing she could ever imagine.She found out you were living with the woman she had caught you with. She cried so much that a river could have been made with her tears. She felt even worse than the last time because she had talked to you days before and you had told her that you had changed for good. Later that night, my grandma called from LA to tell my mom she had to come to the United States. That was the day my mom had gotten pregnant with out knowing.
My mom agreed to the idea just to try to forget you, Dad. She crossed the border knowing she was pregnant with my brother. She left me with my great grandma and I was just 2 and a half years old. Luckily, she made it. It took her almost a month to get here. After she spent months here she realized she was about to give birth to my brother. No one knew till the time came. He was born on May 5, 1999. My mom was happy the only thing missing was me she brought me here when I was 7 years old. Nothing else mattered after that.
So far, Dad, without you it has been the best of my years. I just turned 15 and my party was great ,knowing that my mom and my family were there for me. Now, I want you to know where ever you are you’re just a nightmare to me and I’m not planning to meet you ever in my life.I want to live my life without knowing who you are. Honestly, if you wounder who I am and want to meet me, don't bother because I don’t want a dad that hurt me. My mom has been a mother and a father to me. There is no place in my heart where you fit in. Lastly, I just want to tell you that with or without you, my life is going to be the best.The only person that I will always admire and keep in my heart forever is my mom.
I expect the guy I marry will be honest, treat me right, and love me for who I am .If we have kids ,he will not be a coward and make the same mistake you did,Dad . So far, right now I’m planning to graduate from high school, get my apartment,go to UCLA,and finally go to the Police Acadaemy to be what I always dreamed of being a detective on criminal justice.If you are a father and you are reading this story don't ever make the mistake of not knowing about your kids, because if one day you find them they’re never going to forgive you.