Killed by Your Demon: Drugs

February 18, 2011
By , Los Angeles, CA
December 26, 2010
Dear Viviana,

You were only 15 when your life ended; it all happened so fast. How could you lose your life from a simple mistake? Hard to explain, but simple to occur.

As a child you used to say, “I'm going to have a prince charming and live in a castle!”

Besides, who would have ever thought your fairytale life would have turned into a night mare? I remember when we used to play dolls and used to pretend we were grown ups. I loved the way you used to pretend you were a model, making fun of the way they walked.

"You and me always together!” we crossed our hearts and used to say.

Surely, I loved your sweetness, caring gesture, your sense of humor. Your chocolate eyes would spark when you laughed too much. I even remembered getting jealous of you because you were never scared of anything. You had light-brown curly hair, peach freckles, a gorgeous smile and a heart of gold.

Yet, at the age of 13 is when everything changed. You came to me crying, telling me that you were raped by your dad. I couldn’t believe what you told me. I was shocked not knowing what to tell you. I got pissed off like a volcano about to erupt.

All of a sudden, you started to change the way you dressed, talked and your attitude. Time passed by without hearing anything from you. I was scared that you wouldn’t talk to me anymore, scared of not being able to recognize the sweet girl I once met.

As a matter of fact, months later at school during my 4th period, I saw a girl with black straight hair enter my class. My teacher announced that we had a new student in our class. I couldn’t really see her face when she was talking. Therefore, I simply ignored the teacher and read a book.

Suddenly, my teacher said her name. I immediately felt my heart stop beating and I dropped my book on the floor. I couldn’t believe it was you, my friend I hadn’t seen in a long time. You had changed a lot and all I could think about was talking to you. There was something odd in you though, something I didn’t like, something not good. You had become into a hateful person. Your heart had harden.

We started hanging out again remembering all those things we did together. It wasn’t the same though, I missed the way you used to tangle your fingers with your curly brown hair when you talked. There was this time when I asked you about what happened with your dad. You stayed quiet.Moments later, you told me that he had left the house seven months after he raped you. I was happy but sad at the same time for you.

“I need to confess something to you.... ” you said with a sigh.

“ I....I do drugs....” you confessed with a anxious face, waiting for my reaction.

“WHAT!?” I screamed with confusion.

I was scared to believe that you were doing drugs. Therefore, I took it as a joke and changed conversations. That same day after school while I was walking home I saw you go into an ally. I decided to follow you and when you finally stopped, I got closer and leaned around the corner to see what you were doing.

I was shocked to realize that unfortunately, what you told me was true, you were smocking weed. My eyes got watery and while I waited for you to finish a lot of things went through my mind like, “ How did this happen? Why is she doing this?” You came out and you were shocked to see me there. I didn’t know what to think nor tell you. All I knew is that you disappointed me and I walked away.

I remember that the next day, I saw you at the park and walked up to you. You tried to hide the beer from me, but I had already seen it. I asked you why you were doing all this things and you stayed quiet.

“I miss that adorable girl, who would live her life as much as possible,” I cried to you.

You simply said with anger in your eyes, “That girl died a long time ago, my dad killed that girl.”

I was furious from seeing that you were letting that incident put you down.

We started to walk around the park and you asked me, “If I would die would you ever forgive me?”

That question got me thinking of what you meant. “Were you going to commit suicide? What were you going to do?” You gave me a hug and you started crying. I hugged you back and I didn’t know why you were crying.

Afterwards, we went to buy pizza at Little Cesar's on Union & 7th street. When we got there I notice the sky gray, gloomy and it was dropping drops of water on everything that crossed its way. It was quiet, spooky at some point but I ignored it. You were getting dizzy and you looked pale.

Suddenly, BOOM! you fell on the ground. All I remember was you laying on the floor lifelessly like a dry leaf with no life.

As I knelt down worriedly to see if you were okay, you said, “I'm sorry for not listening to you, but I want you to know that I love you, sister, and I will always remember you and have you deep in my heart.”

Clearly, I didn’t want to loose you, you were like the sister I never had.

I hugged you in my arms and mumbled, “No, relax don’t talk, the ambulance is going to come.”

You gave me your golden necklace you always carried.

You took a deep breath and said, “It’s okay sister, I know I wont make it but I know my kid would have loved you also. I regret everything, I should have listened to you. Now my kid won’t be able to live his life. I hope God can forgive me... bye, sister.”

I couldn’t believe what you had told me. You were pregnant from your boyfriend. It was like if someone stabbed me deep in my heart, you gave me the love I never had from a sister. I was screaming for help but it was worthless you and your son had left me, had left this cruel world forever. The drugs had killed you and your son, had taken you away from me.

I felt like if I was going to die, I still have it in I can’t take it out. I’m carrying the guilt with me, I thought I could have done something to save you. I should’ve believed you. Now because of you I know that taking drugs is not the correct way to get out of problem. Now you have showed me a big lesson about life. That even with your best efforts you can’t save someone, it depends on them and it’s their choice. I hope I could see you in the other world, I think you would probably have done the same thing for me. I hope other teens can learn the same lesson I learned that by taking simple, careless mistakes, you can end your life on earth forever.

With Love,

Jailine Juarez

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