Its Better Late Than Never

February 18, 2011
By , Los Angeles, CA
December 15, 2010
Dear Mom,

The truth is, I love my grandma more than I ever loved you. It’s not that I hate you, Mom, in fact, I’ve actually grown up to be kind of proud of you in a way. The problem is, I never really had the chance to live with you and get to know you like a mother and daughter should. I’ve grown up with my grandma and still live with her today.

Maybe you would blame me. I know you offered me the chance to live with you in Oceanside, but by then it seemed too late. I had recently turned 6 years old and I felt bitter... In truth, I felt abandoned by you.

Fortunately, my grandma never abandoned me the way you did; she always stood there by my side like a good mother would. I still see you, I think you could have been a superior mother and at least let me know the name of my father. I would stay up constantly having him in my mind, wondering what he looked like, wondering about his name.

I would ask myself, “Will I ever meet my father?”

I have no memories of him since. It wasn't his fault that he didn't meet me or that I met him. He got deported but yet he would call you to see how you were. You kept gang-banging. As Anton Chekhov tells us, “Any idiot can face a crisis -- it's day to day living that wears you out.” You would eventually get tired of doing the same things everyday, the same problems.

Way before I lived, you were trouble -- a rebel. Moreover, You didn't like school and you would ditch. Grandma told me you would wear sweats with tight shirts. You wore make-up like a chola trying to look like the others. Your actions would be improper. You were ignorant; you would keep doing the same things gang banging, smoking pot, even while you knew you were pregnant with me in your stomach you didn't give a f*** . You kept smoking pot, not thinking about me, just thinking about yourself and what would make you “feel better.” Smoking might have made you feel desirable, but it could have hurt me during the pregnancy. So many times you got your a** jumped just to be in those stupid gangs. You got jumped in and jumped out. One time when you got jumped out, you got beat to the point that they almost killed you. They shot you near your nose. You went to jail for four years. You left me miserable.

On the other hand, thank God that I always had my grandma to care about me, raise me, and happily give me the love of a mother that you couldn't give me. You left me with grandma, my mom since she raised me and gave me all her love. I felt abandoned at first, but I had my grandma and grandpa with me, who I called “Dad”, even though he never gave me all the love of a real father. He bought me anything I wanted but he never took me to the park or drank tea with me like a dad would with his only daughter. Since I wasn't his blood, he always put his sons before me. My grandma, wasted by all the things you guys put her through, she’s old, but solid and always does what she has in mind and always goes for accomplishing it.

I'm somewhat glad you met John, a man much younger than you because he changed you. When I turned 5, that's when you had my little sister, Natalie, with someone else. John wasn’t Natalie’s dad. I would see you very often but it wasn't until my little sister turned one that you and John had a conversation at his house. While I was putting my little sister in her tiny crib, I heard you guys talking...

“Come with me to live in Oceanside,” John asked as he looked at his calender.

“Why all the way over there?!?” you declared while looking at the ceiling.

“I'm going to join the Marines,” mumbled John.

“But what about Priscilla...” you responded sadly.

“She can come and live with us too,” John answered with a smile.

“Why would he do this?” I asked myself.

I didn't like him when I found this out; I literally hated him for taking you and my little sister away from me! I didn't want to move, I didn't want you to move either! I hated him because I didn't have your love when you were in jail and when you were there to finally give it to me, he took you with him.

I remember when you told me calmly, “John asked me to go live with him in Oceanside.”

I felt mad, but I didn’t say anything.

“Baby, come and live with us, yeah?” you asked me.

“Noooooo!” I shouted angrily.

“Why not?” you wondered shocked.

“Because I don't want to leave my grandma!” I answered.

“We’ll come visit her every other weekend,” you replied.

“Noooooo! I don't want to leave her!” I responded madly.
“How can she be my mother?” I asked myself.

You kept trying to convince me that I’d be better off in Oceanside whenever we talked on the phone that first month that you left. I didn't talk to you for month because I felt mad about you leaving. You explained to me that it looked calm, spotless, and beautiful. I wondered what it looked like but didn't think too much about it. You told me LA was very different than Oceanside and still is. I see no difference other than it’s cleaner. They have gang-bangers over there too and it’s even more dangerous than here in LA. I guess LA wasn't good enough for you it’s too ghetto since now you live where the rich people stay at.

Overall, I'm glad that I live with grandma she raised me to be the person I am, not spoiled and asking for too much, like my little sister. Now you’re suffering the consequences every time you don't give her something she wants, she makes a big drama out of it until you actually get it for her. You've asked me so many times to live with you, but I just know that it would be a living hell because we have the same attitude and we don't care about hurting each other. I know I wouldn’t be able to stand living with you or John!

“Why would I move with them if they didn't stay for me?” I asked myself.

You will eventually tell me to do everything and we’re going to start a fight. I rather not find out the hard way. You've been through a lot with John to the point where he cheated on you. You never told me this because you knew I would've gone off on him. You didn't deserve this, but maybe karma got you back for leaving me as I grew up. You put up with him for a year, instead of kicking him out on the spot. He didn't deserve you, you deserved someone better than him. Now my little sister suffers for all the mistakes you made. Nevertheless, she thinks John is her father but she does not look anything like him. As she gets older she’s going to ask you why she doesn't look like you or him. That's when you're not going to know what to tell her. You messed up even more. She’s going to end up hating you just the way I did.

Yet, I admire you for getting away from all those gang-bangers and starting a new life with my little sister and John.You found a stable job at Chevron and now you're the manager, which makes me proud. I’m glad that you’re not doing the stupid things you were doing here in LA. You're giving my little sister the life that you probably couldn't have given me if you had stayed in LA. I’m sure that I will learn from your mistakes I would never leave my child even if it’s to have a better life. I will always put my children before any guy or even before myself. For every one out there that smokes and bangs its not too late to change who you are and create a better future for your kids.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter





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