November This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

March 14, 2008
The crimson sign of hate remains, and forever will. His stare marked me, like a predator to its prey, the stare I will always remember. The earth, green in his eyes, once sweet and soft, comforting to my touch, was now bitter, cold, and harsh. Just as he did, I knew there was no turning back.

His sturdy figure was flawless. His brown boots, the color of molded rust, came up past his ankle, just shy of his knee. His plaid shirt was half untucked and smelled of salty sweat, the aroma burning my nose as if he hadn’t showered in days. His bronze hair cas­caded perfectly, with one strand falling just above his nose. His prickly coffee-colored beard defined his jaw, chiseled to perfection. His face was the pedestal of a smirk that I will never forget, the smirk of hate and lust.

The pea-colored carpet smelled of stale cedar and apple cinnamon. The fluorescent lights blinded my eyes. A breeze blew in from an open window, cooling my body. The furniture was worn, and I could tell from the tears on the arms he had probably bought them from the Goodwill on Walters Street.

My favorite pair of jeans, bought for $3 at the local thrift mart, were now scuffed and stained, my shirt was ripped, the white seams unraveling to reveal my chocolate-colored belly. I could feel that my hair was messy. The green eye shadow and periwinkle pink ­lipgloss Stacy had lent me was now smeared on my hands and shirt as well as his face.

He undid his square belt buckle, not hesitating for a second. A smirk was on his face as his zipper slowly slid down like the clock ticking the final seconds of a basketball game. I now knew what he had in store for me. Time stood still, and everything around me froze. My regrets escaped through my tears and poured onto my skin. This was my state of emergency.

I came to the realization that he was now and would forever remain the devil haunting my nightmares. I could see what was meant for me through him. I couldn’t understand why; I was only a child. How could he harm someone in such a horrid way?

I could feel my mother’s words cascading onto my body, ringing in my ears, screaming at me to get up, to fight, but I could not. The guilt, the pain kept me strapped down to that carpet. I screamed, but it was a whisper. I clawed, but it was just a light touch. He forced himself on me, dominating my small frame, taking no mercy. I could taste stale cigarettes as his tongue tried to find an entrance to my mouth, almost choking me, leaving me breathless. Nevertheless he never stopped.

I lay still, doing my best to recover what was now left of me. He had taken away my dignity, self-­assurance, and security. He opened a treasure chest, glittering with the finest jewels and flowers from all over the world. He opened that chest, which did not belong to him but was mine, and claimed it, selfishly, for himself. I felt a piece of my soul drain from my body, leaving me empty and incomplete like a crack addict in search of a fix that I would never get. He left me there on his pea-colored carpet that smelled of apple cinnamon and stale cedar. He left so nonchalantly, and I knew that this would be the day I would never forget.

That day still haunts me. I have vivid dreams of him hurting me, robbing me of my childhood. The sweat stains on my nightgown are only the physical reminders of what he did, as I wake up drenched in my tears. This nightmare takes its shape in the form of tears and yells into a darkened abyss.

The thought of being touched and loved terrifies me. The thought of ever being in love remains invisible, for I know that to love someone you must truly love yourself, but how can one do so if the scars of a horrid past are still ­visible?

I am face to face with what I have been hiding from for years, why I have been clenching my fists since I was 13. Clenching my fists because I know that it is the only thing that will keep me from standing up and yelling, telling everyone that I was raped, that I was hurt, that I have forgiven him but I refuse to forget.

I hold my face down, and keep my heart buried deep inside of me. The yearning and longing for what I know now has vanished, the denial I once faced is now coming to a close, and I know I have many years ahead to meditate on that one winter day in November.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

Join the Discussion

This article has 12 comments. Post your own now!

DaydreamBeliever This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 20, 2010 at 10:09 pm
emilysbreakfast said...
Apr. 14, 2010 at 6:36 pm

i have a similiar story and heavy secret, though not as violent and terrifying.  I understand the fear of being touched, and the feeling that love is unattainable. 

but i know i'm not powerless, and i have the choice to move on. 

I admire your writing, candor, and strength

The~crayon~in~my~heart said...
Dec. 23, 2009 at 7:09 pm
It takes courage to be strong
kandyraye said...
Dec. 23, 2009 at 12:54 am
BunnyBliss said...
Dec. 3, 2009 at 5:23 pm
It takes true guts to write about such sensitive topics like this. Words cannot begin to express how moving this article was. Stay strong, and keep the faith. :)
Mau'smama said...
Sept. 4, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Thank you for posting this. I read a review about this story, and I wanted to read it for myself. You left me nodding. What he did was WRONG. At 8 years old, I went through the same thing you did. I am 14 now, I'm guessing a year older than what you were...? You are a strong person, never give up hope that you are being watched over by someone you love... <3
laura replied...
Dec. 2, 2009 at 5:01 pm
you are so very welcome thank you to all of you
lollygager101 said...
Feb. 14, 2009 at 3:44 am
Stay strong. I was on the edge of crying reading your sad, sad story. It must take alot re-living this tragic momment in your dreams, let alone write about. Good luck I hope you will get through this horrifing incident.
Joy said...
Jan. 16, 2009 at 1:05 am
Oh, Jesus. I'm reduced to a puddle of tears reading your essay. It was poignant and horrifying to read what happened to you. Keep standing strong.
sunshine said...
Jan. 15, 2009 at 9:56 am
it takes a lot to write about something like this and have people read about it. i hope you find a way to get past the pain and hurt you've been through.
princess september said...
Jan. 14, 2009 at 4:49 pm
i'm alsmost reduced to tears. i'll just say that i hope u get over ur trauma.
CABhahahaHPhahaTL said...
Jan. 3, 2009 at 5:24 am
. . . .I am speachless . . .
bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback