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I'm not a Freak
G-d, If I ever say I don't believe in You,
Then I'm a FREAK!
There I stood, hoping against hope, that I would be able to do IT. The one thing I can never do right. I want to do it, all the time, always.
I just want to give her a hug. Just tell her I love her. Just have her tell me that she loves me.
But I never can. So I stand there, tormented as usual.
“It's not logical. Cmon, she's your mom. Of course she loves you. Give her a hug. Let's go.”
And then there's the emotional part.
“I want to so badly. Just to hug her.”
And then there's THAT part. The part that says, no, I can't.
It's so weird.
But there it is.
I mean, moments before, she had come into my room to “say goodbye” , because she was going on vacation, only she kinda reviewed details I didn't need to know, and I kinda scribbled unimportant things in my daily planner. I must have looked rude and un-interested, but I was thinking, “Gosh, I need to hug her.”
I guess I sent off the wrong vibes, because she went to her room.
I wasn't feeling well to begin with; my failure at expressing my feelings made it worse.
I went into the bathroom, locked the door and brushed my teeth. I decided to do it this time.
But of course, the back and forth started again.
I went into my room. I put on my pajama pants.
After all this time, I still haven’t convinced myself to do it.
So I stand by the door, debating, and then I just stare at the ceiling and say, “G-d, I want to do this. I know I can do it. Please help me to do this.”
I haven't even finished talking when I hear her voice,
“Let me give you a good-bye hug...” and there she is. I swear I am in a dream.
I hug her really hard.
“Wow,” she says, pulling back. “You give such hard hugs. Power hugs.”
“That's what they say” I mumble.
She's gone. And that's when I turn to You, with tears in my eyes, amazed, and I say, “G-d, if I ever say I don't believe in You,
Then I'm a FREAK!”