Queen of Clubs

Do I deserve this title? I am called the Queen of Clubs, but is that me?

Am I stubborn? Undoubtedly. I never give up, not when I want something. not when giving up is the easiest, most needed thing.

But am I apathetic? Do I not care? Do I detach myself from every one, every thing? Do I pull away unconsciously? Or is apathy a conscious choice?

Strong. I am not strong. I beg for strength daily. Strength to get me through being alone. Strength to try. When something hurts me, I cry. I cry until I'm numb. And when I'm numb, I try to wash it all away, to scratch it all away. But I know I can't.

And silence isn't my strong suit. Under no circumstances. Not unless I'm alone or hurt or angry or terrified.

Do I try to escape my emotions?

Do I try to run away from what I'm feeling?

Yes.

Maybe that's why.

Maybe that's enough.

I run from love, from pain, from numbness. I try to escape when everything overwhelms me. I don't want to feel. It hurts to feel.

Do I deserve this title?





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