We Are She

January 31, 2011
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A Life Lesson

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they're supposed to help you discover who you are. Growing up I faced many issues, issues that I felt could have been resolved if someone, a peer, a teacher, or simply a parent would have guided me through. I wish I had those caring figures in my life at the time. Most people seem to believe that since your young, you do not have nerves or you cannot manage the feeling of love because you, not yet, know what love is. For so long I despised myself as a person.

I was so angry and misunderstood that I did not know how to love any one the right way. I mean after all how could I? I was incapable of loving myself. It took me a long time to understand that who I was, was who I was meant to be. I felt as though no one, and at times I, could not comprehend with who I was and I’d had those feelings with myself since I was a small child.

Always looking for a shoulder or a hand to hold on to me, my main reason was because I was fatherless. I would have done anything to make my dad want to be in my life. He could fix a problem with me just by saying, “baby girl what’s wrong”? Every time I would think of him I cried. I had my mother but I’ve always felt as though she did not understand me, the real me. However, she has always been here so understood me or not, she did her job as being my mother.

In actuality, no one could relate to me and my thoughts, until one day I became close with a girl who changed my life. She was going through so much and for some reason she had chosen me to lean on and even I could not gather my thoughts as to why she had chose so. As we became closer she began to open up to me. We shared laughs, tears and we even disagreed on some things. My friend was a very miserable person, destroying anybody who crossed her.

She and I both hurt but unlike me, this girl was looking for a particular person to guide her to the light. I was simply trying to escape from the world and everybody around me, trust had become my worst enemy…Once I met her, in a short period of time after I learn misery loves company. Her feelings became my own so much that I started to feel her pain and even when I was away from her, I hurt, which added on to the dilemmas that I had been facing in my own life. However, no matter what she was going through I felt that I needed to stick with her; I told her, “I will always be here for you, no matter what happens you can depend on me”.

As time went on our relationship got deep, so deep that everything seemed as if it were painted black to me. Black walls, black ceilings, black skies, darkness surrounded my everyday life. I could not see the good because I did not know what good was. The feeling of being distant from optimism became normal to me. I believed that listening to all her problems and dealing with her before I handled myself, was more important.

Then one day my mom came to me and said I could no longer talk to her, not until I was able to gather my own thoughts, then I could help her cope as well. My mother had become tired of my sorrow days and tearful nights. Quite frankly I had to become weary of crying, feeling sad on a sunny day and hurting people because I felt betrayed and away from the world. At the time I did not want to understand why she would do this to me but my friend especially. All I knew was that she needed me and no matter how hard I tried to disguise it, I needed her to.

I asked my mother,” What am I suppose to tell her”? This girl had no one and would trust me with her last ounce of breath if she had to. Her only answer was, “Kisha you will thank me for this one day”. It’s been five years since that day and I now understand why I had to let that situation go. We are good friends and we still have trust.

I cannot completely say she was the reason for my dark days but letting go of her misery and facing my own brighten up my walls a little. Now, I could say the end to what I considered to be a catastrophic life, but that was only the middle, being that I was facing other situations before I even met her. Being placed in that state helped me become a better person, I learned to love someone that was good to me. I gained both wisdom and respect from her because at the end of the day I realized her and I both wanted the same thing in life, love, respect, honesty and most of all, a friend.

This is Me

I was lost with a way out but scared of my route so I fought. Fought for freedom, fought for self esteem, caged in my own mind starring dead at my dreams, everybody saying it’s not so hard as it seems, but two steps in my shoes is like walking with no feet, there was no balance within me. True beauty is skin deep that’s what they would tell me, but for the sake of me, I just couldn’t see my destiny. I thought hurting others could lift my self esteem, but every day I was sinking deeper in my own misery. It took a long time to see the true lady in me, yeah; beauty is skin deep, in and outside of me. Confident with my curves, head high when I walk, independent with my thoughts, true lady when I talk. I speak for the blind, I speak for the weak, I speak for the ladies because We Are She.

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