Aching Heart

January 26, 2011
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Do you know what it's like to not be free? Do you know what it is like to pretend to be happy all of the time when in reality you're not? Do you know what it's like to want to be happy, but all the while you know it is impossible? Or know EXACTLY what you want, yet that is EXACTLY what you can't have? Have you ever wanted to run away from everybody and everything, only you couldn't because you didn't have anywhere to run to? Do you know what it's like to watch your peers gamble with their very lives just because?

I do. It hurts like a b****. I get so tired of it that I just want to go to bed and never wake up. Call it death, comma, or plain laziness. I don't care. That's how I feel.

It's not that I don't try to be happy. I do. It's that I guess I'm doing it wrong. I know happiness isn't material things. If it were I would be happy right now. I appreciate the things I have, but I don't obsess over them. I have plenty of friends. We just aren't on the same page, or chapter for that matter.

I'm reasonably well looking. So it's not like I think I'm the ugliest thing to walk the Earth. I just don't feel right when I look in the mirror. Maybe it's the dead stare I see in my eyes. It could be that when I see myself it's like looking at a pathetic young girls face, and knowing exactly what she is thinking. "How did I get to this point in my life? How the HELL did my life end up like this?" Over and over in her head. In my head.

I always figured family was what made a person truly happy. I might even be right. Only I wouldn't know because I don't live with my family. My mom and my pregnant sister live somewhere in North Carolina. My other sister and niece, 2 little brothers, dad, and and another sister all live sepretly in Indiana. And 2 brothers in Florida. God only knows where the rest of my siblings are. Yet here I am imprisoned by my aching heart, the state of Michigan, and the extended family I don't know. Unable to scream out loud for my long awaited escape. Me and my aching heart.

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