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What I'll Never Say To You
Stop right there, Sweetheart. I want to talk to you, and you, and you….
So you think that you can pin all of this on me? You think that just because I was different that I’m suddenly your property? Did you pay for me? Did you all pool your money and buy me, just so you could kick and throw me around like some toy?
Best friends forever, that was cute. What did you do with all the pictures, the memories, the cards?
Well, it doesn’t really matter. Nothing you can stay or do can hurt me anymore. Love me or hate me, I don’t even care.
Ugh, that is such a lie. I gave up makeup when I realized mascara doesn’t wear well on your cheeks. I don’t remember the last time I went an entire day without shedding a tear. I wear a mask around all of you now. A stupid, freaking mask so that no emotion can break through.
You know, there is actually some humor to this. You think that just because last year I was diagnosed with panic disorder, depression, ADD, and post traumatic stress disorder that you can just throw words like “freak” and “psychotic” around with my name attached, just for fun? I haven’t talked to any of you sense last year and it’s already half way through the next! You don’t even know me anymore, so what do you think gives you the right to go ahead and “warn” people about me? To question people about why they talk to me?
Maybe kicking me down like a tower of blocks builds you up, so you can stand on your pedestal and look down, just to laugh at me. Well if that’s what gives you joy, that’s just sick. Truth is, you don’t hold any glowing ball that automatically makes people like you. Cut through me like scissors cut through paper, but people aren’t all that kind to you, kiddo.
So, on my part, it’s fun living off of medication. Yea, how would you like to take this in the morning to control your anxiety, this for your ADD, this to repair your adrenal glands blah, blah, blah.
Oh and it’s real fun at twelve when you get to go to the nurse’s and get more ADD medicine. Oh, and more after school, and then it’s time for the nightly doses! Can’t forget to add the sleeping pill to that mess now, can we? Oh, darling, I wish you could share that joy with me.
I see you point and laugh at the patchy, red blotches on my skin. Mhm, that’s actually a skin disorder called Psoriasis. It’s brought on by stress and you have it your whole life. Fun, huh?! Oh, and it itches like crazy. I have to use special shampoo and use special lotion three times a day! Even funnier now? Trust me, I know what I look like. You really don’t need to tell me.
To review, all of you have chipped away at my self esteem, my appearance is gone and now I want to vomit when I see any of you walking in the hallway. You know what’s interesting, though? I don’t talk about you. Yes, I told on your bullying tactics in the beginning of the year, but I was naïve then. Sure, I loved seeing your frivolous makeup run down your face while I sat in that ripped, red chair, my mask on, a smile planted on my face. You never get called out for your malicious ways.
Then that turned out to be the mistake of my life. I really wish I could have as must detest for you as you have for me, and I really wish I could gather an army of haters for you, but, I really can’t. I still care about you, all of you. We were friends for eight years. Hasn’t this gotten a little bit…out of hand?
Yea, I know you thought I acted through my anxiety attacks. Well, that was quite a complement, actually, to my acting skills. I wish I could act like that! I feel sorry for you, ultimately. I have about five people that have held on to me through the dark tunnels of depression and panic, who will fight and defend for me, that get to see me without my mask. I guess we didn’t have that. It’s a loss, but seeing how nasty you all are, not really a big one.
So, I’ll keep ignoring your stupid comments and I’ll forgive all of you. Perhaps you’re jealous I have everything together now? Maybe, maybe not, but I do know one thing. You won’t stop until you get your fill, and, if I don’t retaliate, maybe you will fill up a lot faster.