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I do not know what went wrong or how it turned out this way, but it did. Two months is all it took; two months for my life to go from stable to a complete pit of disaster. It all started in the summer of ninth grade...
It was the day of graduation. Everybody lined up in the cafeteria awkwardly staring at eachother, not knowing or caring what was going to happen after this. This was it; the step from child to teenager. I was not sad or nervous under any circumstances. I was glad to finally be out of this hellhole that had engulfed me for the last three years. I knew that everything would be better in high school. It would be the beginning of the end. I would have the opportunity to do everything that I had previously not done in middle school. I would be able to drink alcohol, smoke weed,and experiment with boys. I would have the ability to be less of a nerd and truly enjoy my life, or at least live the next four years to their full potential.
I had won the most likely to be successful award. At this time, I did not do anything obscure or questionable as I had not had the opportunity to.
I was one of the first people to walk in to the room filled with smiling faces and bright cameras flashing; obnoxious parents taking pictures of children who they didn’t even know. As we lined up in height order, I hoped that I would be able to walk in with the 5’3” boy that I had been attempting at a relationship with for the last month. I guess this would be the beginning of it all. For the last month I gave this kid whatever he wanted; sending him pictures that my parents most definitely would not have had approved of. It was quite clear that he was using me, however, blinded by the crush that I had developed for the awkwardly cute child I ignored this. I was matched with the “slow” kid of the grade, but walked in with a smile on my face, the yellow string around my neck symbolizing that I was in fact president of the National Junior Honor Society. I wore it with honor. As usual my parents were obviously out of place, not knowing whether to take a picture or attempt trendiness, pretending not to care.
Two days after that was the Graduation Dance. I unofficially went with this same kid that I had previously had a fling with. The whole night he tried things, I denied him as we were in public. He was the first guy to truly pay attention to me.This is when it all went downhill.
During this month, I went to a camp. This camp was at a farm, run by hippies, which subsequently I fit in more perfectly than I could of anywhere else.We worked on the farm, mingled with the others, and talked about our feelings. I grew greatly as a person here. But it was not necessarily a good thing.
Upon entering the camp, I was who I wanted to be more than who I had previously been. Everyone loved me, as truthfully, I have no issue making friends or being social. It is the one thing that I am genuinely good at. I can not explain the community of this camp. It was like nothing that I had ever experienced. We were all family members, revealing our deepest and darkest secrets.
It is here that I realized how messed up my family really was. I had not realized it until I began talking publicly about it. My mother had become sick, leaving me to raise my brothers and myself. My father would rather work all day then spend it at home with us, shown by the amount of actual time that he did in fact spend at home. My father began cheating on my mother. I had evidence but did not care enough to confront him on the issue, as there was never really any true love in my family. No one really loved each other. We just put up with each other. My mother would cry to me constantly about how bad her life was, not realizing how this might have had effected me. Whenever I would try to talk to her about how I thought I may be depressed or how I was sad and not feeling fulfilled with my life she would tell me I was being self-centered and that these emotions were not true. I stopped telling her about my problems or issues or even the guys I liked in school because of this.
My grandparents on one side were divorced, after years of dealing with domestic violence and poverty. My great-grandfather had subsequently raped my grandmother and her sisters and my great-grandmother repeatedly. This, as one can imagine, caused great dysfunction and abuse on my mom’s side of the family. Not to mention the fact that half of them were claimed mentally unstable. Therefore, it was not much fun to be their family member. To sum up my mom’s side of the family; they were religious hypocrites who didn’t really know anything about me. There was no family connection between me and them.
My father’s side of the family was also dysfunctional only in a completely different way. They fought constantly, not talking to each other for years, talking behind my back, and being completely superficial. I remember on one occasion I had a friend sleepover and we were eating dinner as a family. My aunt went on to say how I must be a fat lesbian as I was having a sleepover with a girl and eating cake. She went on to believe this for the majority of my life. The only true connection I had between me and my whole family was my uncle; my Uncle Elliot. I know, to this day, that he will always be my best friend. He will never judge me, he will always be there for me and think the best of me. He was arrested for trying to bring marijuana on a plane; after this we stopped hanging out as much. He now lives in Texas. I have not seen him in two years. I have never told anyone the things in this writing. I want to tell him. No one else, but him; I truly love him. I do not know if I have made him greater than he actually is. I do not know if I may use him as a means of escape when he is not really the person I have made him out to be. However, he gives me hope. Whenever I think that I am alone, I think of him and know that it will all be okay. I have thought of running away to Texas to live with him multiple times, but I will get back to that.
My mother was also cheating on my dad, as I read her texts saying that she loved some other man and that she had had fun last night, etc. It did not bother me, just frustrated me.
I got all of this out and more during these intensive discussions at farm camp. This is when I began to resent my whole family, which is most certainly not healthy for anyone.
During this month, at the camp, I began a relationship with a boy of the same last name as mine. He was my first real boyfriend and my first kiss. I think I was his as well. He was extremely boring however. There were many awkward silences and awkward moments, people told me this was normal though so I went with it. As I was increasingly becoming more and more of a hippy as the month went on, I began smoking weed. I only did it twice during that month but it made me look at the world through a whole new perspective; there was more to life than school and grades and the future. I had to live in the moment. I broke up with this boyfriend as one of the camp counselors that I had became extremely close with told me that I deserved better. His exact words were something along the lines of, “You are a smart, funny, fun girl who everybody loves. You could probably get any guy at this camp. Don’t stay with someone if you are not completely happy with them.” One could imagine what a confidence boost this gave me. Farm camp ended, and I realized that I would have to go back into society again.
The real world was not nearly as great as this. I had lived in the middle of nowhere in a tent, with no toilets, and a questionable shower for the last month, making all of my own meals and associating with the same 60 people everyday. This was the life, we all got along, there were no parents telling me what I could and couldn’t do or lecturing me. These people genuinely cared for me, they were the closest family that I had. I cried on the last morning and as I left. I did not want to go back home; back to reality.
I spent the majority of this month missing the friends from farm camp. I know thought about the world; actively participating in protests and defending what I believed in.I could make the world a better place, I would do it with whatever means I had. I met up with old friends and told them about the last month of my life. Nothing was the same but eventually it all swung back into how it used to be. I started a major crush on this jewish sophomore. I do not know why but I did. We hung out a few times and hung out during cross country practices.
The first month of high school. School was relatively important to me and it still is. I was taking junior math and sophomore science. Me and the sophomore’s relationship grew. Cross country was going great; I was the number three girl on the varsity team. I was elected freshman class president. I wanted to experiment with alcohol, however. When the kid invited me to a party, I happily accepted, having my parents drop me off at a friends house, saying that I was going to a cross country party and to pick me up in the morning. They agreed, as it all looked pretty legitimate.
I walked to where the party was. As I entered I saw some upperclassmen that I had associated with. One offered me a beer and some jello shots so I accepted. Everything was so new and exciting. We started smoking hookah, it was me, the freshman, four sophomores, 3 juniors, and seven seniors. Someone there dared me and the other kid to shotgun, which consists of taking in smoke and exhaling it into someone else's mouth. I do not remember how exactly but this escalated to us making out on a coach, him giving me a humongous hickey. I slept over at that house that day. The next morning, my mother picked me up, seeing the hickey she flipped. I made up an excuse that there was one boy at the party and we hooked up. She was still mad, basically calling me a slut and telling me that everyone at the party would think I was a slut because of this. I did not care though, it was worth it. I was grounded though. I began going to this boys house after school, telling my parents that practices were running late. Eventually he asked me out, taking me to more alcohol related events with his friends.
A couple of weeks later, I obtained shin splints, affecting cross country. I was told to sit out the rest of the season. Me and this other kid who was also a member of the cross country team began talking a lot, as we were both injured and had a lot of spare time on our hands during meets. I had lost feelings for my boyfriend at this point. This other boy asked me to smoke weed with him and his friend one night. I did. My boyfriend later scolded me for ditching him. I was then claimed a bad girlfriend.
A month later, a friend of mine threw a party. It was all freshman. I did not truly like my boyfriend anymore but I did not know how this felt as he had only been my second boyfriend. After drinking a fourtey and smoking a bit of a joint I hooked up with this cute short kid with brown curly hair in my grade. We just made out for a little bit. I was really drunk and he was well, being a guy. He leaned in, I went with it. That night I told my boyfriend over text. He wasn’t too happy, telling all of his friends. However, he stayed with me, which at that point I did not care either way what he did.
The next night me and some other people went into a forest and drank a drink known as Four Lokos; a mixture of caffeine and booze. We walked into town, half of the people getting caught by the police. Me and this asian kid went off into the park. We started hooking up. I then proceeded to quickly suck him off. He whipped out his stuff and I did not really know what to do with it. Regardless, I felt really bad about it. I did not drink or do drugs for a while after this.
I broke up with my boyfriend a little bit after all of this. It was not very pleased. He told everybody in the school that I hooked up with two guys while we were dating and that I was a whore and a bad girlfriend. The whole school hated me, even though everybody agreed that my ex was a baby with no balls. I began flirting with other guys. My school work slacking slightly but then again I was now in high school in much harder classes. I ended up later that month smoking with an acquaintance of mine. I slept over his house. We watched the movie Kids and it all happened so fast but by the time I realized it, it was too late; we were having sex. I was losing my virginity. I shook it off in the morning, showered and went to get some food with my father. I made him promise that this would stay between us. I had had a crush on him, but after this I lost all feelings for him.
I can not even try to explain how all of this felt. It felt as though I was being dug deeper and deeper into a grave and had no way out. I was deeply depressed with no way to deal with it besides drinking, drugs, and boys. It was my escape. Although this makes me seem like the biggest whore on the block. I was not. Just confused. I did not know what it felt like to truly like a boy. I gave up on society, school was stupid, and my parents were retarded. I felt as though being unnecessarily rebellious was the only way to have fun. I did not drink that much or do that many drugs, contrary to what it may seem. My grades were still good, I was still freshman class president, successful debater, and a member of many clubs as well as an active volunteer and advocate for countless issues. I still had many friends. And honestly, everyone who met me still loved me and wanted to be a closer friend of mine.
The guy I had had sex with told everyone. I denied it, as I felt that I had been forcefully taken advantage of. I began becoming friends with everyone so that my reputation would be forgotten. My grades were still good. I became known as the girl who got good grades and knew how to have fun.
I stopped hooking up with guys, drinking, and doing drugs altogether. I was getting my life together. My family was just a sub unit of my life. I did not know what to do. I was lost. Then I met a boy. We got along right away. I was able to have these deep philosophical conversations with him that I had not been able to have with anybody else. We connected on a whole new level. He invited me over one day and we smoked hookah and he kissed me. It had made me so happy. Before I knew it, I had fallen for him, deeper than I had ever fallen for anyone. My life was on a better route than it had previously been. This boy was insanely distracting but it was worth it to have him in my life. People stopped looking at me as they had previously.
New Years came and I went over his house, as he was having a huge party. There was a band and I quickly formed a bet that I could consume more liquor than this asian kid. I did, moshing and dancing the whole night. That night me and this kid also ended up making love. I know understood this term. Having sex and making love were different. I loved this kid. I did not know if it was in a sexual way or a friendly one but I did and still do love him. He asked me out that night and we began dating.
This boy helped stabilize my life. Family stuff didn’t matter. I had once felt like there was no one. As though I was alone. All alone as though no one understood me or what I was going through. As though there was no point in life.
This all changed in 2011.
I continued to take school seriously, putting more emphasis on it than before. I made a strong group of friends. We were a family. Legitimately a family. The boyfriend was always there for me. We are still dating. I think that I am falling too hard for him, however it is worth it at the moment. I think of him when I wake up and when I go to sleep, as corny as that sounds. My home life is still not so great but I am making the most out of it. My parents do not really understand me or who I am. They do not want me going out or doing anything as such. They would rather me stay at home and study all day as I did in sixth grade. But I have changed. I am now a strong, smart, outgoing, opinionated female. I am also a humongous hippie. I used to be a nerdy shy girl. Then I was a girl just trying to be accepted. Then I went to being a confused girl. I am happy with who I am now. I still need some work. I could definitely be more thruthful. But for the most part I am happy with my life; sure it has some crappy moments, but doesn’t everyone’s life? I went through a stage but I am out of it. School, friends, my boyfriend, and making a difference on the world is what now consists of my life. I am responsible and independent. In three more years I will be in college; when my life will truly begin.