I used to watch home videos of myself all the time. My mom would always tell me how daring I was as a toddler. We used to have a small, plastic, indoor jungle-gym in our basement, and instead of sliding down the slide, I would always attempt to walk up it. Sometimes I would make it to the top, but for the most part, with each step up the slide, I was always fated to slide two steps down. I think it was the socks that got me.

And now, just when I think I’ve finally gotten half way up the slide or maybe even to the top, it seems as if a gust of wind will always have me sliding all the way back down this chute. When will this endless cycle of climbing up only to be knocked down again ever end?

In elementary school, however, the dare-devil habit of climbing up the playground slides was still ever-present; except this time things were different. I had shoes, and not just any shoes— shoes with rubber soles. With a few swift steps, I would be at the top of the slides, basking in my own glory of finally conquering what once was such a difficult task.

My socks must have been the bane of my existence when I was younger, but with my disheveled hair from the wind that will continuously attempt to carry me to the bottom, somehow I’ll find a way against these heavy currents of air. Somehow I’ll find a way to overcome this slide again. Perhaps all I need to do now is find out which socks I have to remove or which rubber-soled shoes I should wear to climb up this slide again. If only I wasn’t so stubborn to find out where these shoes are or which socks to remove… and tonight especially, sometimes I feel perfectly fine sitting at the bottom. Sometimes I’ll even gleefully offer to sit at the bottom of the slide for hours, but then I’ll wake up from some sort of dream to realize the more i sit at the bottom, the more I’ll rot in this unhealthy pool of lingering thoughts. If only these dreams weren’t so temping. If only I weren’t so stubborn to even try to plant a foot up this slide again. Guilty pleasure is the best way to describe the bottom of the slide, I suppose.