Finally standing up and saying NO!

By , wilmington, MA
The world was spinning round and wouldn't stop so many questions I didn't know where to start. Summer time is always the best time right? I mean to me it was...until that one summer four years ago where everything i knew about myself changed.

I was swimming as usual down at my grandparen's house; I was eleven. My uncle decided to come into the pool and play with me and me being me I figured it was a good thing. It started off as one laugh and then one touch and then tickling all over me, full body, in places i didn't think you could be tickled. No one thought anything of it neither did I. After swimming my uncle "mike" offered to play video games with me. Happily me since i was only around 11 at the time i said sure. He brought me in his room where the video games were and helped me up on his bed since it was so big. He was about 7 years older than I, so it was kind of weird he would want to play with an 11 year old.

We were sitting on the bed when all of the sudden i felt him kiss me on my lips, i jumped at the sudden touch and asked him why he did that. His reply: "it's what uncles do". From that moment on nothing about me, my body, my life would ever be the same. It would happen every time i went down there... every time getting more sexual. In my mind i always thought okay this isn't wrong, but my heart said it was. At the time my father wasn't in my life so I was begging for some male attention that i didn't get at home because of a alcoholic step-father. I felt he cared for me and at the same time the sexual stuff was pleasurable, regardless of the circumstances. I didn't know what to do.. I felt trapped.

Every year something new would happen, in 7th grade i was addicted to porn and i was searching and meeting men offline as in like 17 and 18 year olds, lying about my age just to get sexual pleasure out of it. I was addicted to masturbation which currently i do a lot, but i have gotten it under control. I was sexually advanced as in a 20-year old in a 13-year olds body. Eighth grade got better my grades were up i wasn't watching as much porn yet, the rapes were still going on. Though it wasn't pysichal force mental manipulation is all it took for me to get under some sort of "spell". The one thing though we never did was have sex, but everything else we did do.

However the summer of 2010 everyone would remember. It was me and my brother at my grandparents, and my aunt and uncle and cousin rented a house near the beach. The newest rape had happened sunday, and now the day was Thursday. My uncle already told me how cute and filled out my 11-year old cousin was, so disgusting and putrid. I warned him immediatly that if he layed one hand on her or even talked about anything innapropriate his throat would be slit personally and i wouldn't care if i went to prison, he knew though i wasn't kidding; but at the same time he thought in his sick mind no one would believe me that if i told anyone about the rapes they would completely disregard me and say i was lying. Later that day it was me my cousin and my uncle and brother we were all playing in the water and having fun. We decided to go eat and go back to my grandparent's house to swim in their pool and play video games with mike. Theres one car ride i won't forget. My anger towards him built up and the fact that i knew he wanted my cousin set me off like a firecracker i blew up in the car cursing, screaming, crying. All he said no one will believe you, everyone will forget about you, and everyone will believe me stuck in my mind. I cryed...feeling trapped. That night i planned to kill him and slit his throat and explain to everyone how he raped me for four years. That night though i stayed at my aunt's i was anxious all night it was 4 in the morning when i was done crying and built up the strength to text my other uncle who is like a mother figure and father figure to me, and tell him whats been going on. He immediatly texted me and asked me where i was if i was safe, and everything from that point was a blur. I felt like a weight had been lifted from me, i was free, i wasn't trapped in this horrible world anymore.

I realized the next day i saved my cousin from being what i had become; a victim. I say it now with pride that i overcame something before if the word was mentioned i would completely scream because i felt i wasn't. This story of my life i wanted to tell because there are other people out there who have been raped and who are scared to tell or have told and are ashamed. I've been through it and theres way more to come, but be proud and stand up and scream to the world you overcame something so horrible and your still here. You don't need to turn to drugs or need to drink you can make it through and still be OK, thats my message to anyone who has been through, may be going through, or knows people who have been, or are going through it now. Encourage them to stand up and say something because the sooner you do it the sooner you will feel free, the better you can make yourself, your life won't be bad anymore. I hope everyone can take a stand against sexual violence and one day it will stop!





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