Something changed. I can feel it every time I walk in the door now. It as if I don’t know my place, I still know I’m part of the family but not sure where I fit in anymore. Maybe I don’t really fit in at all, maybe I never did. That’s what happens when you trust someone with your heart. They’re going to hurt you once in a while but you accept it because you love them and people are allowed screw -ups once in a while. Or maybe it’s not even a screw-up, just a change. Rightfully so, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. Something changed. Not particularly the fact that there’s a new baby but the motions that came after the baby was born. After there were now 3 kids to take care of, 3 kids to be responsible for in every definition of that term, and adding me into the mix? Well, I’d probably call that crazy myself! I’m stubborn and emotional and scared of everything. I jump when I shouldn’t, I take the chance and I get hurt. I fall down a lot and usually suffer inside of myself until I can figure out a way to solve the problem, because why should I burden someone else? I’ve never gone to my parents, or aunts, or grandparents or anyone else all my life. I’m been in survival mode since I was12 years old and it’s hard to break a routine you’ve become so accustomed too. When you’re heart is shattered at such a young age by the two people who are supposed to love you the most, you’re always going to be afraid; afraid to trust, afraid to feel, afraid to love. There are so many things I can’t explain about myself and there are so many things I can. I’ve become probably the best “fake happy” person you’ve met. Therefore, being in a house that finally feels like home, with a new baby, is changing the comfort I felt, the safety and love. Now I have to put on that “fake happy” face in a place I never needed it and that’s the hardest thing for me right now. When I left the house tonight, I lingered at my car door, taking in the scene in front of me; a house with two cars in the driveway, a light on in the front room, an awesome green front door that I love, and I started to cry because this is my second home. If you’ve ever felt left out of something, you know the feeling I had and it’s hard to shake because now when I look at that house the picture is blurry. I sat in the car for a minute trying to maintain breathing pattern to stop the tears from falling, but as I continued to drive I couldn’t help but lose control for a second and let a few tears fall. And after later talking with my dear big sister, as I drove home from a holiday party I again began to cry because she has done nothing but support me. Without her I’m missing a piece of myself. So as I parked my car in the driveway of my house, I tried to gain control of my hysteria that I knew was coming. Fat teardrops fell onto the steering wheel creating a path I traced with one finger. I sat there for 5 minutes before I could compose myself to walk into the house. And even now as I’m writing this I am choking back tears. Maybe its because no one has ever supported me the way she has, cared for me the way she has, or loved me the way she has, and when someone can give you all of these things you never want to let go. All you want to do is give them back the same support, and love and care but sometimes they don’t need you to and then you have all this love to channel and you feel unneeded because you have no one to provide this love to. Things change, people change but family is family. At the end of the day whether they hurt you or not, you have to accept the fact that you’re going to get hurt once in a while, you’re going to laugh and cry and hurt and love.
December 18, 2010