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I'm Not Okay With That

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I will never forget the time I cried. I cried for a long time. But, who tries to remember crying? I will try to remember this forever.
My mom and I are just chillin’ out playing music and talking about life. Talking about how the world would self destruct eventually, whether it is with people who will make a nuclear bomb so big to destroy the world as we know it or it just ends naturally.
One thing you have to understand is my mom’s passion with God. And how much she accepts him in life and how close she is to him. She is so close to God she gets things out of the Bible that no ordinary person could.
That’s gotta be something special.

Our conversation goes on, and we get more tired and more tired. It’s probably one in the morning. You know that saying, “Drunken words are sober thoughts?” What we said reminded me of that -- but no one was drunk.
We’re just tired outta our minds. But we both say things you wouldn’t say if you woke up and felt good and awake. It was like we weren’t thinking about what we said and it was just total honesty in the room. I love how my mom and I can relate. I know my mom relates with my sisters also, and I’m not saying I’m more special. But things like this make me feel that way. And let me tell you, it’s a “King-of-the-world” feeling.

I am so sleepy one couldn’t comprehend. Talking about the Bible more and more, she says to me that when God decided to have Jesus come to earth, he had to find someone one hundred percent dedicated to whatever God said to them and they followed what they heard through the word.
The bible says, from what my mom understands, he looked and looked for hundreds of years but he never found someone one hundred percent faithful, and God was sad. How could his “own” not love him 100%? When he found Mary he was overjoyed. Mary was the perfect person to give birth to the perfect child.

We talked about that for an hour, it felt so short. Then we start talking about Heaven and Hell. She tells me she doesn’t understand why God had to promise eternal life for someone to have total faith in him and to love him. I could feel it inside me. I knew she would burst, burst into tears. And then, like a knife stabbing my heart, it happened. She cried. It was as if I had never seen someone cry, like I’ve never met Pain. But there Pain was, knocking on my door.
You wouldn’t think how much emotion you feel when you see your parents cry. It shows that they are strong enough to show that they love you so much they don’t want to hide their feelings anymore.
She tells me she’s decided she wasn’t going to Heaven in her mind, because of some of her life decisions. I don’t know what religion you have or if you have one but to hear about how great of a place Heaven is your whole life, and then to hear your mom tell you one day she doesn’t think she’s going – there Mr. Pain was. It’s like I got hit in the stomach with a line drive.
Then she tells me that she doesn’t care if she was going to Heaven. She says that back in the day Moses parted the red sea to free the Jews and they all got to the promise land but in the end Moses couldn’t go to the promise land with everyone he’d saved. She says she’s been trying so hard to get my sisters and I to heaven her whole life by praying and reading and listening, and that if her getting us to Heaven meant she couldn’t go, she was okay with that.

But I'm not okay with that.





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