Haunting Memories

It brings back all those haunting memories. These that I thought I locked away so as to never revisit them. Never was I supposed to find the key. Never was I to look at the past and see all those unhappy memories pass right through me. Unlock all those secrets that I have tried so hard to keep inside of me. None of this was supposed to come to light.

These secrets have the power to bring me to my knees. My knees are already scared from these once locked up memories. My heart has already been punished enough. This torment is enough to cause me to break any and all engagements and focus on locking these awful memories back where they belong.

Tears streak down this supposed to be cheery face. People ask why I’m upset, yet there is another bawling on the floor who has just experienced a tragedy. I am just reliving an extremely unhappy string of days, and trying to lock away those memories the plague my soul. She is crying and in an extreme anguish and people are worried about me. Once they realize that I am alright, the room fills with the sounds of her tears and the memories come bursting out of their cage and flood my vision. Those dark times push the limits of my emotions.

She still lies there crying. All anybody can hear is the soft whimper that comes from her sobbing. She is so sad that only few can comprehend her pain. Only those who have gone through the tragedy that she has will understand. I understand. Those memories that have been breaking out of their locked cages relate to her in every way. Those days of pain and suffering will continue until she accepts the fact that she refuses to face. Those days will eventually give way to days of acceptance and knowledge that everything is alright. Then those weeks will fall into the past and the light will be restored in her life. But until these dark days pass over her she will fall into a pit of despair so deep only the strong willed and pure of heart will be able to crawl out. I was able to find my way out by shear dumb luck and some help from those around me. I was distracted out of my sorrow and I locked away those unhappy, distraught, and useless feelings five years ago.

Why they resurface today is quite obvious. One tragedy is connected to another by a common thread of disbelief and sadness. But when has being sad solved anything? It never has, but we can’t help but experience these emotions. These memories came back in a flash flood of tears and misery. Thank God that there was someone there to comfort me, but I did not need everyone in the room to console me when I was just living in the past. She needed the love of friends to save her from her misfortune, and I only needed to build a new cage to house my memories of those unhappy times.

The weight of the world is upon her and she is the girl who can conquer this world of hurt. She is the total opposite of me. She can take those feelings and turn them upon themselves to create a memory of the good times. I just hold them captive, locked in the deep recesses of my mind. They escape only in times of extreme emotional turmoil, and I can’t stop them from making me break down in front of everyone. I try to hide it but to no avail. My feelings pour out of me like a tea kettle. Unable to hold back, unable to control my emotions I radiate them like a sun burring for the love of the lost. Everything spills from my face like a waterfall. I leak like an emotional sieve.

She hold it all in and releases it in a burst of energy so great that it only lasts for but a few moments. Those few moments seem to last a lifetime, but it is only a few moments and extremely depressing. However, these few moments allow for great insight to the core of her soul. It is pure and a bright shimmering light in the darkness of the situation. Her soul show itself on very few occasions, and every time I see it there is that pure white center surrounded by the colors of the emotions she is feeling. Pink for love. Green for envy. Blue for sadness. Yellow for happiness. Red for anger. All of these colors and more revolve slowly around that pure white center of her soul. Then just as quickly as the window to her soul opened it slammed shut. Such a beautiful, pure, and diverse soul belongs in such a person as her.

I wish I had the strength and confidence that she does. I wish that I had he soul, her ability to love unconditionally. She deserves to go wherever she wants to in life. I do not deserve such an honor. I barely deserve to be in the same universe as her. She is everything I am not and I wish I had what she has.





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