As we sat there in silence, just gleaming at eachother and bursting in giggles, we looked up at our coach, as she announced the to whom the awards, certificates, and varsity letters went out to. i sat there seeing only three varsit letters. my hands began to sweat. First team member, announced, she blushed, then there was an applause. Next was my turn, i smiled politely and laughed at her speech she gave to me, and how much pride she had in her voice when she spoke to me, and to everyone about me. Next was the other girl, who was awarded a letter, there my heart sank. I knew the three letters would have to be going to definitely two of the girls and the last was tied with me and another freshman. She got it. The girl who was never a team to us, always caused problems for her own satisfaction, never went to all the meets, nor practices. You see, the requirments of a letter was to be awarded with two or more or higher than 7.5. Well you see i joined half way through the season, and whipped those scores and een better out of my butt. But she, she just got one score, and then never was awarded her second because she broke her arm during the second performance and never met the requirment. Yes, i understand she's a wonderful gymnast and she would have met the requirment if she didnt hurt herself, but one of my oher team mates hurt herself in the beginning of the season, and she went to every meet, every practice, wore the school uniform when we were asked. This girl didn't. So now i feel locked in with stupidity. No, i am not jealous of this girl with the letter that i clearly deserve, i am upset, and hurt that the pride, and not the letter itself, but the pride of that letter being given to me, to be taken away, as if i havent even devoted myself to the team. As if i did nothing, as if i didnt always motivate, and cooperate without one complaint. I'm hurt, and now i ask myself, was it not enough? If fully putting all your heart and devotion into something isnt enough, compared to a girl who didnt meet the requirments but still got the letter, acceptable? I'm hurt. Hurt with myself. Hurt by my coach not believing me, or awarding me with the pride i was expecting and hoping for since the beginning of the season, and hurt by the world for it being such a bitter unfair place. So help me God.
Was it Not Enough?
December 9, 2010