True Workings of the Heart

We touch and I feel nothing. We kiss and still nothing. I once loved her and everything that we did together was another cherished memory. Nothing is left of those once happy memories. They have been set ablaze by another. One who doesn’t even know.

I see her daily and my heart burns with love and jealousy. I’m none but a fool around her, nothing but a bumbling idiot avoiding her glances. Trying not to give away my true feelings for her, for I do not wish for her to know just yet. Perhaps tomorrow, no, the day after. These are the thoughts running through my mind at a blinding pace. So quick that within the moment my eyes meet her I’ve said this to myself twenty times. I break the engagement and look at my feet and mumble, “That was my chance.”

My hands tremble around her, but I can’s show it because the nothingness is with me. If she asks I answer with something like, “Oh! I didn’t realize. Too much caffeine maybe.” I look back at the girl I want so bad I might kill to have and all I can think is, ‘What in God’s name is holding me back? Why am I such a coward?’ I feel like I need to let the nothingness fall into the past and just ask her, but something is holding me back saying that it’s too soon.

She already has someone in mind and for this I am jealous. If I only knew how I could sabotage his chances and made her forget about him and leave him by the wayside. On occasion I think of cheating but my morals kick in and straighten my thoughts. I can’t help myself. Everywhere I go I see her face and my heart feels with the overwhelming sense of connection and my feelings of love and affection. It’s so hard not to think of her and the way she walks and the way she talks. Oh how I love this girl.

The nothingness is clinging to my arm and how I wish it were the other. She kisses me and I think of how sweet the others lips must taste. She hugs me and I think of how warm the other must be. My mind is full of images of her. Her face is so beautiful, so perfect. It’s as if she cannot exist. She seems so absolutely perfect it can’t be true.

Infatuated is probably the correct term for my feelings toward this girl. We are friends but I constantly wonder if she wants more. I know I do and I’m too afraid to ask her. I need to know. Every time I mention her name my heart starts to beat right out of my chest and if it succeeds it will simply fall to the floor, beating ever so lonely. My life seems to revolve around her and her friends.

Unlike the nothingness, she has friends. She won’t be so needy, so clingy. She will understand if I don’t see her for a day. She would be willing to leave me be to get some work done. The nothingness is dragging me on the ocean floor while the other is floating at the surface looking absolutely beautiful. I need to rid myself of the nothingness that is slowly drowning my soul.

I have to lie to keep the nothingness happy. Everywhere I go she needs to know exactly where I am and who I’m with. She should just put a collar on me and attach a leash so she could just lead me around. My life is dictated by her. I try to do something by myself and she cries to keep me around to comfort her. I need to break these chains and become myself once again and not act like she wants me to. I need to get out of the rain that is melting my soul.

I dream once more of this girl that I’d go to the ends of the Earth to have. Her face, her lips, her warmth, her smile, her laugh, and so many more things which I so desire. I need to ask her. I need to hear her voice say “yes.”





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