My parents are divorced. My life is miserable. And I can’t take it anymore. So I don’t know how to handle my pain. So I cut myself, it starts to become a habit and I have to wear a jacket all the time. I feel like I have to be perfect so whenever I make somebody mad or feel like I’m too happy I cut myself. I try to stop but I do it against my volition. I feel like nothing will ever make me better. I even tried suicide one time I was home alone sat in a chair with a knife to my throat I thought it would be the only way to stop the constant pain so death was better than life. My friends were the only people I thought I could trust. But they changed my mind in a blink of an eye. They told the guidance counselor from their guts not their brains. They tried to help but all they did was make my mom suspicious. I was so mad I couldn’t even look at them without crying. Then I tried anorexia I didn’t eat for five weeks. But then my family got suspicious whenever I took my food into my room to “eat” it. Then they decided to spy on my and saw me dumping it in my trash can and they lectured me about how unhealthy it was to not eat. And then I stopped for a while. But I wasn’t complete so I became bulimia I had to. But of course people heard me in the bathrooms at school. So I had to stop the one thing that kept me in this generation of people. But I tried suicide one more time this time differently. With a gun so it would be quick and over with. I used a gun to my head. Then as my hand almost pulled the trigger my mom got home she saw me. She called the police they came and took the gun. I was scared so I gave up on everything. My mom made me go to counseling but I skipped it. Nothing mattered anymore I wanted to just disappear. I just forgot everything dropped my grades, forgot friends and eating overall. My parents worried sick. But I just didn’t care anymore. But then, one day the one person I have like for two years finally asked me out. I said “yes” and we lived happily ever after. “yeah, right” we were happy we loved each other will all of our hearts we kissed hugged and held hands. But that still didn’t hide what I had become. I became a monster a monster that attacked myself, an unstable person. But lately I have been trying to eat more. But I will never be happy I will never be healthy and filled with food not even on Thanksgiving, I will never stop cutting or be able to get rid of the scars. But I hope, and pray I will never try suicide ever again.
November 23, 2010