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Always, always I have known this was here. This desire, this urge to write. Since I was young I have known this, these words flowing out of me like there's no end. There was that time, not that long ago, when I worried if I'd made the wrong choice. The desire wasn't strong- dormant, it lay waiting for the right moment. Now it has been released. I am free! I would scream it from the roof of my house if I could, but the ladder is in the shed and the shed key is missing. I guess I'll have to be satisfied with this black keyboard, clicking and clacking away, showing the world that it is time. I have realized my calling. Forever I have known, forever I have dreamed I could be this way but I never really and truly knew that this is what I was, what I am. It's a torrent, has been for a month now- you see, I've been counting the days. The first week I thought was a joke, one of those few times where you have an idea, follow it like your dog has snapped it's leash and is chasing a squirrel down the road but no. No, this is more, this is much more. This is a child's dream of being an actress acknowledged when her first film hits theaters. This is the joy of a musician who struggled for so long to find that perfect melody and has it now, has it has it has it. I have it, my gift, and although I'm sure my face gives nothing away- now, at least- my heart is pounding and my fingers are flying and I know, I know I know I know, that I am a twig who has been lit on fire, sparked up and ready to ignite forests and forests and forests. I am ready to shine light into the deepest corners of my mind now, for there I can now go without fear of things I am hiding from myself or the world. Now I can see myself in my entirety, the good and the bad. I can look within someone else and find their struggles and achievements, and I can see that bit of good hiding inside every last being on this earth. Fourteen, nearly fifteen years it has been that my mind has gathered and collected, worked and labored over it's own creation and now it is prepared for the tasks I will present it with. My mind is nowhere near complete, nor will it ever be, but it has become the building block that starts the tower that will one day surpass all it knows and reach that which it has waited so long to discover. Life. One day, I always thought... One day. I never thought- hoped, but not thought- the day would come when I would feel this certain as I do right now. There are so many reasons, things I can see now from an objective viewpoint. I am so happy, so very happy. Finally, I am hardly able to walk down a hallway without having to write something. It's glorious, it's is beautiful, it is wild and crazy and I. Am. Free.

And the funny thing is that tommorrow I'll wake up. Take a shower, ride the bus to school mouthing the words to the songs on my iPod. I'll walk through the day with a determination in my step that can only be denied by those who have never seen what it is to be me. But it will seem normal, because of the show I've made of myself over this lifetime. No one will notice this change that has come over me, for everyone has expected this of me all along.

I was the only one that ever really doubted.

Now I understand.





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mudpuppy said...
Jan. 4, 2011 at 8:48 am
Wow. This is very fast-paced, yet it has so much deep meaning.  The urge to write can be hard to control at times. :)
 
Healing_Angel This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 6, 2010 at 7:50 pm
Your emotion comes through clearly. Put in paragraphs to make this easier to read. Don't doubt yourself. You don't have to write for anyone but yourself and you don't have to flash your work for anyone. Well done!  
 
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