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October 24, 2010
A sky full of eyes stared at me while a warehouse of teeth shimmered and grinned. I walked through countless lights, smelled fried dough and lemonade, exchanged glances with people I'm glad are strangers, and felt nothing. I stood in the center of commotion, smiling on the outside and clawing my way out of my skin on the inside. People. Experiences. Smoke. Haze. Girls wore their hearts on their sleeves while boys punched them repeatedly in the arm. I felt somewhat dissected, as if my insides had been pulled out, along with my secrets. Its impossible for me to feel anywhere near content in crowds, yet I insist on going to these places anyway. I like to think it keeps me youthful, natural. I also like to observe, stick ideas and accusations behind my ear and let opinions braid my hair. I like to be the only introvert in the crowd, keeping a steady watching eye on every soul I see, wondering if anyone's like me.

Last night I felt extrinsic, like the only American would feel in Tokyo. I plunged through crowds and sheepishly looked into the eyes of men that sparked my interest, and each stared back looking placid and toneless. I felt hunted in a cluster of strange company. I felt chased though no one was chasing me. I felt lost inside of my head, yet my head is the only safe place for me to be nowadays.

I've been feeling emotion in immensely high levels, yet I still feel so numb. I can't bring myself to cry, I can't bring myself to smile. I can't bring myself to laugh or write or spit or sing. My head is just this discombobulated organ spewing nonsensical theories out of my ears. My words stay trapped under my tongue.
Unspoken, they just remain thoughts.

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