I like acting, but I hate pertending. I hate taht I feel like I have to pretend and that I feel like I'm losing him. It's horrible. I have to sit and smile. Laugh and joke. Look at him, feel my heart go wild, and not cry. I hate that I hae to make it seem like everything's ok, that I'm not dying inside a little, that I don't want to go cry my eyes out with tears that won't come. He won't be here to hug me, hold my hand, say he loves me. He won't be there to cheer me up when I feel sad. he won't be here. This pretending isn't working for me, but if I show how I feel, then it will upset him, so I keep on pretending. While he leaves, I stay here, smiling and waving, then when he turns away from me, I'll fall to my knees and cry. I must be strong. For him, and for me. If I fall apart now, no pieces will be left to put together. I hope I can do this. I really hope I can do this. It would help if I felt like it was hurting him as much as me. He seems calms and even kind of happy about it all. That makes pretending even harder. WIll I even be missed? Sometimes I wonder... Will we make it? Or when he hugs me bye, will it be the end? I wish he would just hold me and tell me he loves me. Sometimes, it feels like he doesn't... I know, I'm too hard on myself, but... but I'm dying inside, and I'm greiving. I love him, but I'm losing him I feel like. What if he finds someone else. Am I not enough? Do I mean that little? I wish I knew what he was thinking... But pretending is all I can do. Pretend and pray for our 2 weeks left to last forever.
October 14, 2010