The birds awaken me. The butterflies are flying. The sunlight warns me it's almost time. I don't want to get out of bed. Sleep is the only thing that allows me to escape this nightmare that has overtaken my life. I didn't even want it to come to this. I didn't realize the interviews, the questioning, the searching would lead to this. It's been 18 long, agonizing months. I just want it to come to an end. But they keep pushing it on. I geuss I'll have to force myself to suck it up and deal with it. Maybe this time will be the last. My mom is nervous. My dad is angry. I'm everything. My whole body is filling up with my tears. I want to scream. But I can't show it. I can't reveal the pain this has created within. We flee the house, knowing we could be late. We pull up to the building. That building. That I never want to see again. Never want to set foot in again. Never want to remember what led up to this. The judge greets us. My advocates take me into a separate room from my parents. They tell me I shouldn't worry, I didn't cause this, that it will be worth it in the end. It all means absolutely nothing to me. I didn't want to be here in the first place! They try to understand. But they never will. The judge comes into the room I anxiously wait in. He asks me to present my evidence. I show it to him. It's obvious what happened. I found the proof that would find him guilty. It was in black and white. He couldn't escape. Maybe he shouldn't have crossed the line. The judge. He tells me this is the end. I thought I would be relieved when I found out I didn't have to return to this place. But for some odd reason, I will never be able to escape what happened. It's like the walls of this room are closing in on me and I will never get out. This nightmare has a grasp on me. Refusing to let me free. He has changed my life forever. He has made me lose my friend, he was only supposed to be her dad. He wasn't supposed to see me as anything. He wasn't supposed to have violation in his mind. He was 54. And I was 14.
October 8, 2010