I Was

October 13, 2010
By Anonymous

Have you ever wanted something so bad in your entire life, that you’d give up everything you have, and everything you’ll become just to have that? I’ve spent a lot of my past pleasing people who shouldn’t have mattered. Doing things that were straight up stupid to make others happy. I gave up everything to get those moments of happiness that I felt with a guy. I regret it more and more with every day that passes. There is nothing more stupid that giving your body away to everyone that wants it. I’ve become what society calls ‘trash.’ I am not capable of having a decent boyfriend. Everyone knows what I’ve done, and who I have done it with. There are no secrets in my life. Nothing that I have done is kept private. I’ve basically ruined my life for the few moments of belonging I felt with guys who didn’t care.

Being hurt so many times, and thinking ‘maybe this time will be better, maybe this time it will work out..’ I found out the hard way, if you cant stand your ground, you will get trampled.

I missed out on so much. I didn’t go to my own homecoming because I thought it’d be ‘cooler’ to go party with some college guys I didn’t even know. I got sick of the stares girls would give me, as if they were saying ‘I’m beautiful, you’re just trash.’ The pain escalated though, I went from pleasing others, to harming myself. I was told by a guy I was with that I was “kinda fat.” Lets just say I didn’t take that very well, and there marked the next chapter of my life. Bulimia.

It started out just after a big meal that I would go to the bathroom. Then, it got worse, I would throw up after every meal. You think that I would have told someone, gotten help before it got worse, but of course…I didn’t. I got to the point of puking up everything including water. I finally stopped eating period. I’d tell everyone at school that I ate a big breakfast, and I’d tell my mom I ate a big lunch. I went 8 days without anything but water in my system when I passed out in class.

They all stood over me, whispering, checking everything. My blood sugar was a whopping 3, my pulse was 14 beats a minute. I was almost dead. All because some guy’s opinion. The bad thing is, I don’t even remember his name. I screwed up my life, big time!

Now, I live with my past. I have to look at my tattoos every time I look in the mirror. I see the scars on my wrists when I look down. When I look at my neck in the mirror, I see the scars across my neck I have when I was choked with a rope. I would lay underwater just to get the feeling of almost dead. I can’t walk through the hallways at work without people staring, and I try not to think about what people are saying about me at school. I’m known as ‘that girl’ and I always will be. All because of what I was.

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