If You Really Knew Me....

If you really knew me, you’d know that I haven’t been happy with my weight and my appearance since I was 9 years old. I don’t know what it’s like to feel ‘pretty.’ You would know that I criticize myself too much because my ultimate goal is to be perfect; just like my brother.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I take out all my frustration on my little sister. She’s gone through a lot at her young age because I’m a lame excuse for a sister. I’m so mean to her because people are mean to me.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m very emotionless. I’m very unfamiliar with crying and I feel awkward around crying people. I would rather not deal with all the emotional baggage that trails behind me. I hate talking about emotions to other people.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I don’t even know what I want anymore. I started doing what others expected me to a long time ago that I’m left wondering what it is I’m really after.

If you really knew me, you’d know that my relationship with my dad sucks. I don’t see him as a father figure and I do not love him. Not like my sister does. When I look back at my childhood, I will remember him keeping my mother up all night wondering where he was. I will remember the deep sadness in her tired eyes as she looked out our window, hoping that you would make it home and not in a jail cell. Not for her. But, for us.

If you really, really knew me, you’d know that I hate myself for having resentment at having a handicapped sister. She’s made life 10x harder than it has to be these past couple of years especially for my mom. I stay up late at night pleading to God to make her less stubborn so we can all lead a normal life.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I get really lazy at home. I don’t know why I don’t have the motivation to help out my poor mother. And I really hate myself for that.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I love my mother with all my heart. I don’t know what I’d do without her and I don’t know what I did to deserve a mom as wonderful as she. But I could never tell her that. Because I suck at showing ‘emotions.’

If you really knew me, you’d know that I all I want is to be wanted.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I could never tell anyone this.





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