The Worst Of It All

September 27, 2010
I couldn't stand thinking about him, so I didn't. Every time his image or some random memory of him came to my mind I pushed it away. I forced it to leave my head. Thinking about him, even now, hurt way too much.

Sometimes, I would get an image in my mind's eye of him when he looked especially amazing. They would come randomly and the force of the pain was enough to make me wince sometimes. When they were that strong it would take me a few minutes for me to get myself under control. Like now, I think of him and the picture that comes to mind is a happy one from last summer. We sat and watched the sunset at the beach. Cheesey right? But I remember it in perfect detail and it kills me.

I remember when he came over last weekend completely out of the blue. It was a little past ten when he showed up at the house. I was shocked. It had been three and a half months since we talked and we both had new people in our lives. I can remember him telling me how much he missed me and how he would do anything to have me back. I can remember exactly how he smelled and how his arms felt when he wrapped them around me as I cried. I didn't want to let go of him. He was my safe place and being with him was natural after a year of dating.

I stepped out of his arms, but he pulled me back to him. Another wave of pain hit me and I started crying. This time not because of talking about my sickly grandparents, but because I truly did miss him. I could talk to him and tell him things that I couldn't tell anyone else.

He didn't tell me to stop crying or that it would all be alright. He knew me too well to say those things to me. Saying those things wouldn't help me. He simply let me cry. And when my sobs had subsided to silent tears he kissed my cheek and we walked to my driveway.

He leaned against the Tahoe and sat down. I sat facing him and we started talking. After a couple minutes I edged closer to him. He opened up his arms to me just as I knew he would. I leaned back into him and his hands went around me and found my hands. Our fingers interlaced looked so perfect at that second. He nestled his chin into my neck and kissed me and squeezed me tight. I almost started crying again out of guilt. He asked me about my boyfriend just then. I told him about all the wonderful things he did for me. I was even wearing his sweatshirt.

"I'm glad you're happy." He said it gently and I could tell that he was close to tears. I turned around so I could look at him and gave him a sad smile. He returned it with the same expression. "But you're not happy. I know you too well for that." I nodded. "You do know me very well."

He kissed my cheek again. He told me everything I wanted to hear. We talked about why he'd come here. He said he just needed someone to talk to and he didn't know why, but he always ended up here. He said he'd probably always end up back here. Back with me. At that second I wanted to put this moment on pause and just sit here with him forever. I wanted to forgive him for everything he'd done to me. But then it all came back. The lies and all the cheating; everything bad he'd ever done. I slammed into the realization like a brick wall. I told him I needed to sleep. That wasn't a lie. I had a meet in the morning.

We got up and he hugged me and held me there for a couple minutes.I allowed this because I really did like him holding me wether it was wrong or not. Then he tried to kiss me. This I did not allow. Even though every part of me wanted to kiss him I knew how bad I would feel tomorrow for it. I knew that I would hate myself for doing that to my boyfriend. He said, "Once for old time's sake." I said no, but he hugged me again and I went inside and watched him walk away for the very last time.

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Bethani said...
Oct. 7, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Stay strong! :)
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