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Five Years of Pain

By , Colorado Springs, CO
I grew up in a family with a mom, dad, older sister, and an older brother who is 13 years older than me. My sister was a complete tomboy and was close to my dad and had a lot in common with my brother. I, on the other hand was not very close to my dad, had nothing in common with my brother, am very close to my mom, and up until my sister’s senior year of high school (my freshmen year) we were not very close and fought very often. To the outside people (people who were not family or close friends) our family seemed very happy. What they did not know, however, is that a lot of us were suffering.
To make a long story very short, I could not stand living with my dad. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him as a physical dad; he made sure we had food, clothes, money, etc. but as a spiritual father he was failing. He and my mom would bring us to church every Sunday morning but every day of the week he would get on our case and yell at us for even the smallest thing. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive to my siblings and I and especially our mother. To make another long story short, my parents’ divorce became final October 1, 2009 after about 20 or 21 years of a struggling and abusive marriage. Their divorce was only the second out of three divorces within my immediate family since 2005.
The first divorce that had ever impacted me was my brother’s. He and his first wife were about to have their second son in June of 2005 when, due to several issues, my brother committed adultery just before his wife admitted to my sister and me that she had not loved him in years. I lost all respect for him and my faith began to diminish. I couldn’t believe that my own brother could do something like adultery after growing up in church and in a Christian family. Even to this day, five years later, I still don’t get it, but I found some answers. I also still do not know what exactly got me through this but something did; maybe it was my friends or maybe it was the fact that I had the choice to not see him or forgive him if I chose not to.
The second divorce was my parents’. Although this divorce only began in April of 2009, four years later, it hurt more than my brother’s first. My mom seriously almost moved out to California that summer but I begged her to let me stay here for my senior year of high school; I longed to graduate with the class I had grown up with since third grade. She finally agreed that it would not be fair to take me away from what I have been looking forward to my whole life, literally. So my mom and I lived in the upstairs part of our house while my dad lived downstairs; since they didn’t fight and mom didn’t want to leave me alone with just him since he and I fought, that it would be the best solution. She and I moved into our townhouse in February of 2010 and have been living there ever since. A couple nights before we moved, however, my dad and I got into a stupid fight and the next day I cut my wrist (not the bottom part because I didn’t want to die but the side of it for my friends to see). I had to release the pain and wanted to see how many people cared enough to ask what happened. I just told everyone it was a long story until I told the truth to 2 women I have the most respect for and some of my friends. I became part anorexic because I have always dealt with major self-image issues, especially over the last couple years, and I decided that now was the best time to finally give in and eat enough to get by but not enough to fill me. I still struggle with self-image issues, but my friends gave me some great advice and are by my side no matter what.
And finally, the third divorce which was my brother’s second. The summer of 2008 my brother and his girlfriend got pregnant and decided to do the ‘right thing’ and get married. At the time she was 20 and he was 29; he had two kids and she was on summer vacation between college semesters. She gave up college to marry my brother; we found out later that college was the only thing she would give up for him. He caught her a couple times talking to guys, and previous boyfriends, over email and facebook. To make another long story short, she lied to my brother and said she quit talking to them; it wasn’t true. She set up a fake email account and continued talking to all of those guys and even more and was planning to go back to the town where her college was to visit her ex-boyfriend and sleep with him. She was planning to commit adultery. Now, not even a week after my high school graduation, their divorce is becoming final and she is far from accepting her choices and their consequences. The three good things that came from both of his marriages are his three children; two boys and a little girl.
I cannot tell you how many times I felt alone, scared, hurt and angry, betrayed, deceived, and how many countless times I cried myself to sleep at night. The pain was and is so much to bear that the support I received from my friends and God was enough to help me through and through it all God taught me to be patient and the importance of being strong and depending on Him to take care of it all. We as humans do not have the answers or even half the strength it takes, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves and each other otherwise. He showed me grace and mercy, even when I ‘took a break’ from our relationship He was always there waiting for me and still is every time I take a break. God is faithful through everything and only wants the best for us; there is not one trial He will put us through without giving us the strength, support, love, comfort, encouragement, wisdom, and guidance. All we have to do is be obedient and ask for His help. God is only a prayer away.





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