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Diary of a Pessimist

By , HB, CA
The first few moments of the school day are slightly discomforting - you know, stepping out of the car and walking to your locker - because you don’t know what to expect. The end of the day is worse because you know what has happened and you’re sure it’ll be like that again tomorrow. But between those two times, during the day, it’s the worst of all because everything is happening, and you don’t have enough time to think about it and stop it in the action. And that’s basically what makes me feel depressed each day.

I know I have nothing to be depressed about. I have an okay family - two parents and two sisters - and okay friends. But I feel so ugly all the time. I sometimes avoid looking in the mirror because I’m afraid of what I’ll see. I don’t need to see how I look because I already know I’m ugly.

A few days ago, I was looking through a photo album and I found a picture of me in which I looked truly awesome. It was taken this summer. My smile was perfect and I looked really happy. And then my school picture was okay, despite previous picture day disasters. Plus I like my body - I’m thin, I guess, since I have a fast metabolism. And my hips and legs are proportionate. But my face looks like a monkey’s or a sick dog’s.

I’m a weakling. Is that even a word? If it is, then I am one. Because I’m skinny, that also means I don’t have a lot of muscle. My ribs stick out and my waist is almost small enough to hold in my hands. My ankles and wrists are really skin - if there’s a such thing as I living skeleton, that’s what I am. Currently I’m 71 pounds on my friend’s scale and 67 pounds on my scale. So I guess that means I’m about 69 pounds. But I’m short - 4’10 so I guess that sort of evens it out. And I most definitely am NOT anorexic or bulimic - I would love to gain a little weight.

I have thought about suicide. But I don’t want it to be painful. I guess the most painless way I can think of is in your sleep. Some moments of the day I really feel miserable, like if I had the option to die painlessly right then and there, then I would. But then I remember that my friends would be sad (I think. I’m not sure).

Suicidal people are selfish. They only think about themselves and how they want the pain to stop. They don’t stop and consider the depression they might send their friends and family into once they’re gone. The damage would be done. It would be too late.

I don’t like being around people. I don’t like talking. I hate making eye contact - I don’t like for people to see my ugly face. So sometimes I use my hair to cover it. But then they always try to peer through my hair, which makes me very uncomfortable. I often look down at the ground. Yeah, I’m shy. Actually more reserved. Some days, when I feel like my face is looking good, I’m very loud and outspoken. But most of the time I’m not.

I feel very misunderstood. And I’m most definitely emotional - I cry for no reason a lot. Of course it could be that I’m really tired/have a headache/have a cold.

Both of my friends recently got new phones - one’s phone was broken and she got a new one, and the other got her phone upgraded to an iPhone and then back down to her previous one. I don’t have a cell phone, and I don’t really care about getting one at the moment. But they keep asking me for a profile photo for my contact, and I always say, “No. I’m having a bad beauty day.” But the truth is, all of my beauty days are bad.

Ironically, I’m into makeup and fashion. But obviously I haven’t been wearing much makeup since I don’t like looking at myself and I don’t want to draw attention to myself. Except today I felt like I needed a confidence boost, and so I applied some auburn colored eyeshadow, black eyeliner, waterproof mascara, Chapstick, and blush from Ulta in the shade of “Exposed” (the perfect shade for my skin palette).

You don’t know how much time I’ve spent each day in a bathroom stall practically crying. I feel so miserable. I don’t want people staring at my face and P.E. is the worst because you have to change in front of people and play sports with them - which isn’t my best area. The changing thing is okay, since I’m confident with my body, but one girl in my P.E. locker row is especially mean.

The other day, she said, “There’s one girl in this [P.E. locker] row at this period that I don’t like. She’s here right now. And I bet you can guess who it is…” And I felt sure it was me she was talking about. “Not you guys,” she said, gesturing to nearly everyone BUT me.

Science is really bad since I’m sitting at a table with three other guys and we have to face each other, so I keep my head faced down always. And they think I’m some sort of shy loser. Whenever I forget to keep my head down, the person always cringes because I’m so ugly. I feel like I’m doing them a favor by hiding my face, yet some of them always try to peek.

Core (history and language arts) and math should be okay since I’m in the front of the row and no one can see my face except the teacher, but math is bad because the guy behind me always pokes me in the worst place. You know how in some schools, the chairs have like that hole where your butt is? He always pokes me there using his shoe. The weird thing is, that happened last year in math also. Different guy, different teacher, different class. Is there something so appealing about my lower back/butt that makes it so pokeable? Ha, pokeable. I just made up a word.

My elective is show choir, which is okay since I like singing. I want to grow up and become a singer/songwriter. Well I want to make a career of it, which will be hard because it’s really difficult to find work in that area. My dream college is UCLA, where my Mom went so it’s possible. It’s in LA obviously so there might be some more music related jobs.

Sorry if this was depressing. It's how I've been feeling at the moment. Please don't post negative comments it'll make me feel worse.





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This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

Only-Miee said...
Sept. 28, 2010 at 8:11 pm
For some weird reason we beat ourselves up. I always do that to myself. Tell myself im ugly or avoid my friends cameras. Because I feel ugly next to them. Truth is you seem like a very cool person. Just lacking in confidence. Screw whatever everyone else thinks. it's fun to be yourself. Speak out loud and share your feelings. I was you. THe shy hanging back girl until I started to hang out with the loudest funniest girls ever they rock and they gave me confidence. Now I don't let anything stop m... (more »)
 
Macx14 said...
Sept. 24, 2010 at 7:16 pm
You sound like a really awesome person, try to have some more confidence in yourself. And this isn't uncommon. I look my best with my hair and make-up done, but I feel my best when I haven't looked in the mirror for days and I'm doing nothing but writing freely. Very good job writing, by the way!! Just try to smile more:))
 
JRsingersongwriter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 24, 2010 at 7:26 pm
thanks i feel a lot better right now i stayed home from school today i think I have a cold... :)
 
Macx14 replied...
Sept. 24, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Aww, well it's cold season!! But seriously, I've had problems with all of these things you're talking about and I'm here o tell you as a fellow writer and teenager that it's just not worth it. Maybe you could check out some of my stuff if you have time.
 
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