What are you thinking right now?
I’m thinking I wanna see you naked.

Wanting to please him, she takes off her shirt, and then her jeans. She kisses him some more and he touches her soft skin. Hands on his scruffy face, she tells herself this is the right thing, this is where she’s meant to be. But two words echo in her head. First date.

It’s becoming easier for her each time. She gives them what they want, and she is happy. Or at least that’s what she tells herself.

After he drops her off, she steps outside and sits down on the curb. She lights a cigarette and breathes in a long drag. Her fingers trace the scars on her left arm; the cold weather brings them out. She wants to cry but she can’t anymore. She tosses the bud of her cigarette into the street and walks inside, warm and dizzy from the nicotine and its head buzz. She lies down in her bed, pulling the covers up to her chin. Her phone goes off and she reaches out from underneath her comforter to check it. It’s a text message from him. Tonight was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. Sure, is all she responds. She rolls over and goes to sleep.

He’s nothing special and she knows it. He’s just like all the rest. He doesn’t know her, he doesn’t know about her fear of flying. He doesn’t know that sunflowers are her favorite or that on a clear night, the sight of the stars makes her go weak in the knees. He has no way of knowing that she dances in the rain every time there is a thunderstorm, turning back to her girlish self. He’ll never know that her fascination with being pinned isn’t about the sex, but the feel of another body against hers. Bodies pressed close and arms wrapped tight, leave her feeling safe. Feeling protected. Feeling loved.

Every time it becomes easier for her. She chips away pieces of herself, handing them out like bittersweet candies.

In the morning, she steps outside to pick flowers from her garden. She walks up to the sunflowers, bright and yellow and reaching high over the fence. She cuts the tallest flower and brings it inside to place it in a vase. Beautiful and broken, it sits on her counter, a perfect image of who she is today.