Facing It This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

By , Perrysburg, OH
It grabs ahold of me again. It's weak for now. I faced It last night, so It is easy to control. I force my eyes open. Not here. Not in school. It recedes to the back crevices of my mind. Defeated for now. Good.

I am at my locker getting my books to go home. I walk down the stairs, absent-mindedly swinging my key chain around my fingers. Halfway down my eyes snap shut. It returns. No. I fight. But this time, It has gathered strength. The more I push It away, the stronger It becomes.

People bump by me in their rush to get to the parking lot. A kid accidentally jams one of his books into my shoulder. The quick jab is all the help I need to open my eyes and regain control. “Sorry” is his rushed apology as he jumps down the last two steps.

“It's fine,” I reply. He doesn't turn around. I must not have spoken loudly enough. I reach the bottom of the stairs.

I drop Kelsey off at her house. “Bye, girlie! Thanks for the ride! Love you!” she shouts as she slams my car door.

“Text me later! I totally don't get the Geometry tonight.” I wonder if she hears me. Nobody else has. I drive home in silence, turning off the Eminem Kelsey insists on listening to every time she drives with me. I hate rap.

I get to the stoplight – the one that takes forever. Cars speed past in a rush to get wherever they are going. I stare straight ahead. The cars blend together and my eyes snap shut.

It is strong now. I've ignored It all day. The back of my eyelids go black. The same color as the sky that night. I fight to open my eyes. No. I will not go there. Not now. But I see the fence. Tall and gray. Cold metal. I felt it that night. I can hear the screaming crowd of people watching the game. NO. I refuse to remember It now. A car behind me lays on its horn, snapping my eyes open, returning It to the back of my mind.

I am home now. My dad left a note on the counter: “Took kids to dinner. Mom's working late.” I had asked earlier if he would wait for me. I had wanted to go too. Too quiet to notice. I climb the stairs to my room and close the door.

My bed is safe. It is easier to think about It here. Easier to deal with It when no one is home and my door is closed. I toss my books on my nightstand and curl up in bed. This time, I let my eyes close. I learned a long time ago that fighting It does me no good. It always wins. Better to face It now.

My eyelids go black. The same color as the sky that night. I don't fight to open my eyes. I have to go there. Deal with It for today. I see the fence. Tall and gray. Cold metal. I felt it that night. I can hear the screaming crowd of people watching the game. “Third and ten with five minutes to go in the second quarter. Knights with the ball!” I hear the roar of the stadium as the incredible catch is made. I feel the cold metal against my back. Then the damp grass on my knees. It had rained the night before. I feel his hands hard against my arms....

I fight to keep my eyes closed as the first tear slips down my cheek.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






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This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

NoUser said...
Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:05 pm
#confused  
 
lilmartz This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 2, 2011 at 7:30 pm

This piece is really good. It reminds me a lot of myself and how I am. My motto I guess is like "never let them see you cry." I like to put out a tough front and sometimes that doesn't always carry through to who I am underneath.

 

I'm sorry, this probably sounds creepy, but I can see from above that you and I live in the same city. What a coincidence for such a small town. Right. I thought I was the only one from here on TI. It makes me wonder if I actually know who you ar... (more »)

 
MayaElyashiv This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 18, 2010 at 11:33 am
Is it about ra*pe? I think that's what "It" is... 
 
RebeccaHope said...
Sept. 17, 2010 at 4:39 pm
i'm confused
 
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