August 24, 2010
I push people away. I don't let them in. I stand away from them, not letting them bridge
this distance between them and myself. I stand here with this wall between myself and other
people. No one knows who I am. I fake like I'm okay. I act like everything is okay. I act
like my life is okay. And so what? I'm not hurting anyone but myself, so what's the big
deal? Do I need to open up and have anyone know who I am? Take a chance on someone I know
will only let me down? No, that's not who I am. I tell people I put myself out there. I tell
people that I put my heart on my sleeve. But I really don't. Any pain they could possibly
cause me feels like nothing. I don't let them in. I don't let them touch me. I stand away at
a distance where I know I'm safe. Where I know they won't be able to possibly get to me. I
laugh, I smile, I look happy, but no one knows the truth. No one knows how I really feel. I
walk away from anything that involves taking a chance emotionally. I say I will, but I never
do.I look at this person in the mirror. A face I no longer recognize. A face that stares
back at me that I don't know. Why do I do this? Why do I push people away from me? Why do I
try to spend my time making people feel better when I'm the one who needs to feel better? I
can't believe that I act like this. This is not me. What happened to Chantal? What happened
to this care free girl who laughed through the tears, and smiled through the pain? I shoved
her somewhere deep down inside of me, and I can't seem to get her back. I'm digging. Digging
through the memories, through the pain, through the hurt, and I can't find her. She's there
in my dreams, in my thoughts, and then with a flash, she's gone. She's out of my grasp. No
more than a mere glimpse. She's right there in front of me, and yet so far away. I can't
bring myself to pull her back. To replace this ugly, hideous, shallow creature that I am.
To destroy this person I have become, this persona that I have created, and be who I really
am. But I know this is nothing but a dream. A wish. Something that is soon forgotten when
reality comes crashing forward, and every eye is blind to the hopes they once had. Simply
retracting every step forward, and staying at this blank, soon to be forgotten, wasteland.

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