my inspiration has come and past but i still rely on words, on my words to fill a growing void. most of my thoughts are put to the music i play in my head. nobody really knowing whats on my mind, like my own sad secret. i feel older than most of my peers so majority of the few friends i do have and the fewer that i trust are older than me. leaving me alone in my classes working alone while everyone else forms their regular cliques. i long to be part of anything in my class but yet i decide not to work with anyone. things get done faster and everything is origional. that way nobody copies my work hoping that the teacher will think im helping them and pair me up with them when working alone is not an option. ive tried skipping a grade but since that wouldve meant doing 3 core courses over the summer or possibly correspondence throughout the whole year. i didnt think i could handle the isolation that wouldve provided me with.
its ironic though isnt it? i dont like to work with mypeers but i cannot be seperated from them. i remember elementary wich seems like so long ago and wonder what happend. everyone was my friend with the exception of a few girls but that always happens and i had a happy family. now i have more enimies than friends wich would be good if the line between the two was clearer. ive also lost my first and many more family members in that short time. what happened? how did i get to be this person? with writing as my closest confidant, with a voice that is no longer heard by the friends i once led. alone. school starts tomorrow and i will once again sit at the back of the class with the help of my glasses that kept me from that last year. i will try though. thats the most you can hope for right? im not going to say that i will because that would be a lie. i will TRY.
i dont have the answers to any of my questions but im sure that once classes start ill sit peacfully in my desk farthest away from those who could interupt me. my school work is my priority. i wont be gossiping or giggling with the rest of the girls. ill probably be sitting around the guys or somewhere in between. im still known at my school but thats not hard to do when your school goes from kindergarden to grade 12 and only has 400 kids at the most. im mostly known for whatever awards ive won for grades at assemblys or because of my brother and sister who are both my half siblings and who are the same age as well as inseperable.
i always wondered if i had been closer to my sister or had i known my brother growing up what i would be like now. my sister and i arent close, we are on the same teams and in the same club sort of things in our school but we never really got along even though her friends dont mind me. my sister and i have the same mom but we have different dads. as for my brother i didnt know about him until i was about ten and didnt meet him until i was 12 at that time he was 15 and he had just started coming to my school. he was in the same class as my sister because we share the same dad. after awhile i became a little bit closer to my brother but i still get along with him much better than my sister. even knowing i cant redo it i still wonder what oit would have been like being close to them.
you might be wondering why i told you this, why i wrote it, what my reasoning was. my answer to this is that i just did. there really is no reason, no major inspiration here, other than maybe reading this you found someone who went through some of the same things you have. someone who you can relate to. someone like you. someone like me. so to sum up my answer, just because i wanted to.