Your Words Hurt, and Not Just On the Inside

August 28, 2010
By , Belmont, NH
It all started on one of the last days of school in sixth grade. I was 12. You started talking to me online like any other time. Then you told me you and everyone hated me and that i should go dig a hole and die in it. You also said i am fat and ugly. I didn't eat dinner that night. I was still upset after dinner. You knew my secrets. You knew how to hurt me. You knew i wouldn't stand up. You knew i wouldn't talk to you ever again. What you didn't know? I would pick up a blade that night. What you didn't know? I wouldn't eat much for a month. What you didn't know? That i would never be the same again.

~I could never tell her that she made me hate myself. I am known as one of the "popular girls". People think we're are perfect. I'm the one with the blond hair and blue eyes. So its easy to never be suspected. Its been years, and yet i still cut myself. I have lessened it, but i still do it. It makes me feel real. I know its wrong. Believe me i do, but its part of me, part of my story. Cutting myself continued un-noticed all through 7th grade when i felt upset or hurt and didn't want the pain to be something i felt...but something i saw too. No one knew this. No one until he came along in January of 8th grade.~
You thought you knew my whole story. You told me you loved me. You said all the right things to me. Told me everything. Then in March of 8th grade we broke up and you started dating her. Did you ever thing that it hurt me? Did you ever think that it wasn't just a bunch of scratches on my arm from being outside? You knew i cut myself but had stopped when i started dating you, did you ever think that maybe i started again?

~I got over him and started liking another guy. Still harming myself every now and again. When i felt alone, when i was crying, when everything was going wrong. No one noticed. Ever. But when the next time a guy came around.~

You said you liked me. You also said you like her. I asked you on a date. It was a Monday. You said yes and we scheduled for Friday. I asked again on Thursday you said yes. On Friday, you never showed. Did i mean anything? Was I a joke? Were you lying? Why did you stand me up? Did you ever think you broke an innocent girls heart? Did you ever think i had a worse secret then you?

~That girl changed my life. In good and bad ways. I started to defend myself. I learned that people will always hurt you, and life has its turns. I never thought that a girl who was my best friend could turn and hurt me like that.

It is now 2 days before 9th grade. I'm trying to stop. I really am. But the pain i hide is part of me. I am 100 pounds 5'2. Eating hasn't been a problem. I currently have 30 scars that were intentional. Not all of them may show, but they are there. It’s not as easy as it seems, escaping depression. You can’t just smile and make everything okay. But i will stop. Because that is my decision. I can't live like this. I promise, I will be okay.~

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