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The Final Letter
It's taken me a long time to write this out, but it seems like I'm going to be the one to break the ice, so here it goes. Now don't get upset because of what I'm about to tell you. It's what I'm feeling and it needs to be said if we're to have a relationship of some kind.
Since I was a little girl for every birthday, and for every candle blown out, there would be only one wish in my mind. You know what that was? That for the following birthday you'd be right beside me. For years I've been crying myself to sleep. Not for the fact that you didn't show, but for the final realization that you'd never show.
I don't even know you. You're basically a stranger to me. But the sad thing is, I'm a stranger to you also. For you to really know me you'd know simple things such as: My favorite color, favorite animal, if I read, what I read, favorite movie, how's school going, how it went, my grades, the college I'm aspiring to get into, the major I'm angling towards, my plans for my own future, am I dating, what music do I listen to, how my 16th birthday was; you'd know simple things that a father should know.
You expect me to give up the plans I've made just to go out there and visit you? Why would I visit a stranger?
I understand that you've had a tough past but that's no excuse. You shouldn't let the past influence your future. I understand you didn't have a father figure in your life. That's no excuse. You shouldn't let that stop you from being the best father to your ability. I'm not asking for perfection, but you being here actually trying would be nice. You could try to be the father that you would've wanted; the father that all your kids deserve. I understand you've had it hard. I understand all of this but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. What I don't understand is how you can wake up every morning and not see all of your children. I can't understand how a man can live without them. They say a woman becomes a mother when she finds out she's pregnant. And a man becomes a father when he holds his child. Did u hold me?
You left me. You left me for a woman. Your own daughter you left for some woman. I'm still upset about all this, and I have a right to be. You stayed here for maybe a month and then you left. Till this day the pain stay with me. I will never understand. Ever.
One thing that seriously scares me is the fact that it's so easy for you to ignore me; to get through your day without talking or thinking about me. Now mom always tells me how your friend is always going on and on about how much you love me and talk about me. But I have to wonder how much of that is true. Why don't you ever call? Or even write? Either one would be enough for me.
You may be going through a whole lot but you're not alone. Everyday I worry. I worry about our next meal, about all the bills. I worry about the stress my mom is going through, if she's exerting herself too much. But most of all I worry about you. I worry about your health, about your work out there, I worry about those boys. I worry about things a 16 year old just should not worry about. But the thing is I just can stop worrying. Its just the kinda person I am. Everyone that I've told about me worrying about you, they've all told me pretty much the same thing,
“ He did it to himself.” “ You should feel nothing.” “ You did nothing wrong.” “ Don't feel that way.” But I can never stop feeling this way. I can never get out of my head: Was I not enough? Did I do something wrong?
I always that every year that if I was good enough that maybe you'd come back. But you never did. You didn't even call on my birthdays or the holidays. For who I am right now as a young woman I will always wonder what made you leave. But for the life of me I cant stop feeling the way I do, because no matter how much I would like to deny it, I do love you in some way. I just don't know how or in what way that is.
I don't know you but then again you don't know me.
If you truly knew me, you'd know that most of my smiles are only masks for my pain hiding underneath. You'd know the reason orange is my favorite color is because during fall, my favorite season, when the tree's turn a certain shade of orange just looking at them sprinkles goose bumps across my limbs. You'd know the wolf is my favorite animal because I feel so close to the majestic creature. Their cries to the moon remind me of my own cries of pain. You'd know that I used to hate reading but now you can't find me without a book. You'd know my favorite movie is called The Invisible because of the romance that ends in a twist of fate; death. You'd know that this past year I received a 4.0 GPA and want to attend Santa Cruz University. If that choice doesn't work out my second choice would be Monterrey University. You'd know my reasons for wanting to live near the beach is so I can do my writing while overlooking the crashing waves. I would stick my searching toes into the warm sand underneath and just.... breathe. You'd know that I wish to major in English and possibly minor in Drama. You'd know that at the moment I'm working on my novel and auditioning to be in movies. You'd know that I'm not dating because I'm a cynic about love. I can't even say the word without getting teary eyed. Love today is a crock, the biggest illusion in the world. It doesn't exist. Romantic love anyway. You'd know that my favorite music genre is Screamo because in some weird way the chaos that I'm listening to, takes away the chaos in my mind. You'd know that I hate the way I look and find myself quite hideous. You'd know that my 16th birthday was a nightmare.
You'd know me.
The last time you saw me was when I was what? 10? A lot can change in 6 years. My life is great the way it is. Except for the fact that it feels like half of me is missing. Mom tries, she tries so hard but its just not enough. For all these big times in my life, you haven't been here. I mean you didn't even call on my sixteenth birthday! No one did actually. Do you even remember my birth date? Every little girls dream is to be her “Daddy's little girl” but I don't have that option you because you're not here. You never have been.
You know it would have been so much easier if you were just not in my life from the beginning. I know so many kids my age who are doing just dandy not knowing one or both of their parents. But no, not me. I'm a mess and its just not fair. I had the privilege to lose you right when I was starting to get to know you. Through out my life that's just how it's been; you were here, you left, you came back, you left, and so on.
I'm tired of crying over lost time. I'm tired or crying all together. I'm supposed to be the child here. Not you, me. I've told you most of my feelings but I'm not done with being upset. I have a right to be. So before we move on with whatever comes next, read this over a few times and then write me back. Tell me about you. The real you.